Humor 12/28/98: Best Telemarketing Story

Hi everyone,

I hope all of you had a great Christmas. I had lots of fun down in San
Diego with my former roommate Rich and his relatives. Also, I had a
good time swing dancing tonight with some of you guys here in LA. I
look forward to seeing many of you in the next week or two at various
activities.

This week's humor email was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by a
inspirational piece from Steve Lee. Enjoy!

Have a great New Year!

-Josh.

___________________________________

The Best Telemarketing story:

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you is

to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call
from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as
irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went
something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

(At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,

surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise,
when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.)

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
callling.

(When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express

yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.)

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

(Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute

but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.)

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day,
$1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested
in knowing how you will be making payments.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents
a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind
of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
in
the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques
on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

(So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes
and while I have a mouth full of food:)

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was

helping you.
Me: Thank you.

(I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.)

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing? because you can never
have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like
to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

________________________________

The Paradox Of Our Age

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but
enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but
less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
less
judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less
wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get

up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years
to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but
polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write

more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but
lower morals; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but
fewer friends; more effort, but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on
quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and
short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are
the
times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun;
more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses,
but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stockroom.

Indeed it's all true.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/