Humor 9/6/99: Bad Puns & Instructions for Life

Hi everyone,

How was your Labor Day weekend? I had a great time in Lake Tahoe on a
retreat with the young adults at my church. Some of the fun things I
did include sailing, canoeing, jet skiing, parasailing, star gazing (we
saw several shooting stars), watching "Sixth Sense", and just hanging
out. I highly recommend jet skiing and parasailing (which is when you
are on a parachute that is pulled by a boat). One of the cool community
building activities we did was that each of us had to draw/make a square
for a quilt, which will then be sewn together into one large quilt.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have chosen
your own first name, other than your current one, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story also forwarded by Anna. My favorite pun in the list
below is #10. Enjoy!

-Josh.
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1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry,"
replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

9. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

12. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you
want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you
kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you
are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love with reckless abandon.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/