Humor 10/12/99: Secret to Marriage & New Computer Program

Hi everyone,

I want to thank all of you who wrote me to offer your condolences. My
trip to Taiwan went very smoothly. My flight got into Taipei on Friday
morning at 6 am, and I made it to the funeral place before the start
time of 8 am. My parents, brother and I were able to spend a good deal
of time with my relatives. My uncle and his wife even came to church
with us.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have only one
piece of furniture in your house, what would you want it to be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Susan Hasegawa. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited
the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by
pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My
wife quietly said "That's once."

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from
her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at
me and quietly said "That's once."
____________________________

CUDDLY--customer support

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install
now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your
HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However,
you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those
programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those
off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.
Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM
have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".
What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been
run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things,
but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine
before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT,
REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any
conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you
need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your
recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never
comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all
over My HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle
it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and
they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/