Humor 12/26/99: Computer Tips & Spider's Web

Hi everyone,

I hope you all had a great Christmas and took some time to ponder why
baby Jesus was born in Bethlehem two thousand years ago.

I've also been having fun meeting up with friends from church, high
school, and college for meals and movies. One interesting evening was
meeting up with my high school classmates, Tai & Judy Wong, Ben Dattner
for all you can eat sushi and then going with them to the Hunter H.S.
Alumni Board dessert/ meeting at one of my science teacher's (Mrs.
Marjorie Goldsmith) apartment on the upper East Side. Her apartment was
decorated exquisitely. It was good to run into John Edwards there and
meet some other alums who had graduated earlier.

I also watched two movies, "Anna and the King" and "Snow Falling on
Cedars". I liked them both and recommend them. "Snow Falling on
Cedars" is about a murder mystery and the Japanese internment. The film
has some great scenic shots of the Pacific Northwest, with the trees,
mountains and the snow. However, the movie seems to move slowly at
times. It opens in wide release on Jan. 7th.

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Reiko Muto.

Enjoy!

-Josh.

P.S. Have a safe and happy New Year!
_________________________________________

Computer Tips

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

The name is Baud... James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Sped up my PC; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

I hit the CTRL key...but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand."

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Will configure ones and zeros for food!
____________________________

GOD SUPPLIED A SPIDERS WEB: Author unknown

A young soldier found himself in a terrible battle during the Scottish
Reformation. The enemy was soundly defeating this young man's army. He
and his comrades found themselves hastily retreating from the
battlefield in defeat, running away in fear for their very lives.

The enemy gave chase.

This young man ran hard and fast, full of fear and desperation, and soon
found himself cut off from his comrades in arms. He eventually came
upon a rocky ledge containing a cave. Knowing the enemy was close
behind, and that he was exhausted from the chase, he chose to hide
there.

After he crawled in, he fell to his face in the darkness, desperately
crying to God to save him and protect him from his enemies. He also
made a bargain with God. He promised that if God saved him, he would
serve Him for the remainder of his days. When he looked up from his
despairing plea for help, he saw a spider beginning to weave its web at
the entrance to the cave. As he watched the delicate threads being
slowly drawn across the mouth of the cave, the young soldier pondered
its irony. He thought, "I asked God for protection and deliverance, and
he sent me a spider instead. How can a spider save me?" His heart was
hardened, knowing the enemy would soon discover his hiding place and
kill him.

Soon he did hear the sound of his enemies, who were now scouring the
area looking for those in hiding. One soldier with a gun slowly walked
up to the cave's entrance. As the young man crouched in the darkness,
hoping to surprise the enemy in a last-minute desperate attempt to save
his own life, he felt his heart pounding wildly out of control.

As the enemy cautiously moved forward to enter the cave, he came upon
the spider's web, which by now was completely strung across the
opening. He backed away and called out to a comrade, "There can't be
anyone in here. They would have had to break this spider's web to enter
the cave. Let's move on."

Years later, this young man, who made good his promise by becoming a
preacher and evangelist, wrote about that ordeal. What he observed has
stood by me in times of trouble, especially during those times when
everything seemed impossible. He wrote: "Where God is, a spider's web
is as a stone wall. Where God is not, a stone wall is as a spider's
web."
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/