August 17, 2002: Girl's Guide to Geek Guys, The Bird Cage

Hi,

It's been a while since my last email. I hope you have been well.
Starting this week, I'll be a shift leader on the midnight shift. Although
I have worked some all nighters when I was at Andersen Consulting, this
will be the first time that I'm working the midnight shift day in day out.
I'll probably be working from 10:30 pm to 9 am every day, starting on
Sunday evening. The good thing is that my weekend will start on Friday
morning. I'm really looking forward to this experience, since the folks on
the midnight shift are so down to earth. It's like a whole different work
culture.

Speaking of next weekend, I'll be in Boston to attend the marriage of my
former roommate Richard Sahara and Lydia Ong. I also look forward to
visiting my church, the Boston Chinese Evangelical Church. I always feel
like I'm returning home when I visit BCEC. After all, I was there for 10
years.

On 7/29/96, I started to forward a humor email to the members of my small
group from BCEC. In fact, I'm using that same piece of humor this week.
Over the years, I've expanded the number of people that I sent these emails
to, and the things that I put in them. Well, I feel it is time for me to
reduce the frequency of these emails. I'll send them out occasionally,
when I have new pictures to post, or something to write about. Please keep
in touch!

This week's thought provoking question is, "If you had the chance to make
one purchase that you have passed up in your lifetime, what would it be?"

This week's humor and inspirational pieces were forwarded by May Lee and
Jennifer Deniega, respectively.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
-- By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a
whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the
sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school
riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or
permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills.
Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into
this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered
before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature
with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule

They are generally available.

Other women will tend not to steal them.

They can fix things.

Your parents will love them.

They're smart.


Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to
shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends,
discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates
impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite
bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek
dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them,
thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though
convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try
wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All
geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace,
carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an
activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very
uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just
an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a
lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

Imprinting

You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the
world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a
reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience,
geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world
social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such
narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain
media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized
reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere
entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping
a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock
either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your
Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of
Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual
politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the
ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the
sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight
uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and
sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world
metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the
geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart,
Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If
you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you
are ready for a geek relationship.

Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by
your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss
Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever
enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her
newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with
the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most
attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more
alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks
a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think
and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek
understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home
cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you
love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however,
remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with
him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least
appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the
computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able
to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about
details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best
Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst
or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if
he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try
to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He
comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks
also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically
harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to
as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is
sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest
thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them
up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first,
so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and
realize that you are into the same things they are.

Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my
draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which
one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil,
immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most
like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who
is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting
for several reasons:

Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

Victoria actually knew who he meant.

Folks, I think this marriage will last.


One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have
gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed
them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to
realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the
issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you.
Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new
interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles.
Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual
stimulation or your own? We thought so.
_________________________________

The Bird Cage

There once was a man named George Thomas, a pastor in a small New England
town.

One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old
bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.

Several eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to
speak. "I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming
toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three
little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and
asked,
"What you got there son?"

"Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. I'm gonna tease 'em and
pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."

"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do
then?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy.
"They like birds. I'll take' em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds,
son?"

"Huh??!!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old
field birds. They don't sing -- they ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.

The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill.

He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.

The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley
where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened
the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting
them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor
began to tell this story.

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come
from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.

"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a
trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry
and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and
smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill
each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take
them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill
you!!
You don't want those people!!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your tears, and all your blood."

Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the
pulpit.