Humor 3/16/98: The Americans and the Russians

Hey,

I hope you had a good weekend. I watched "Man In the Iron Mask" this
weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. I highly recommend it.

This week's humor comes from Reiko Muto, followed by a Chicken Soup
story. Enjoy!
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that
if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the
whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate
the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.
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Who You Are Makes a Difference

One night a man came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He
said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my
office and one of the junior executives came in and he told me that he
admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.
Imagine. He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon
that says `Who I am makes a difference' on my jacket above my heart.
Then he gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to
honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I
would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor
you.

"My days are really hectic, and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of
attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not
getting enough good grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess,
but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you
know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are
the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love
you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying.
His whole body shook, and he looked up at his father
and said, through his broken tears, "I was planning on committing
suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't
need to do that."

By Helice Bridges
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen