Humor 5/15/00: English Lesson & Motherhood

Hi everyone,

Happy Mother's Day! I hope you had a chance to celebrate Mother's Day
with your moms. This morning in church several high school students and
young adults got up and shared about their moms and thanked them
publicly. It was really touching. Many of them read a letter they
wrote to their moms listing many of the things that they appreciated but
often took for granted. Their letters were even better than the
inspirational piece I sent out last week. I was very impressed by the
maturity and writing of these young people.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could invent
something that currently does not exist, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece about moms forwarded by Ethel Lai (plus a good one I
sent out last year).

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the
students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman. Without her, man is nothing."
__________________________________________

MOTHERHOOD - IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE....

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her
husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey,"
she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will
change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral. "I know,"
she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous
vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to
decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn
in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of
child bearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an
emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again
without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash,
every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving
children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your
child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit
and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother
will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her
best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested
in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She
might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an
important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet
smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from
running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room
rather than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That
right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the
prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However
decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself
constantly as a mother.

Looking at my friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed
the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her
once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years--not to accomplish
her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will
change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how
much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or
never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that
she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very
unromantic.

I wish my friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout
history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk
driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about
most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of
nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child
learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a
baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I
want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the
table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and
for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into
this most wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of being a Mother.

Author unknown
_________________________________________

THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.......

We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When
others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from
other kids had too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we
were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and
what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be
gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the "Child
Labor Laws" by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the
beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of
cruel jobs. I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more
things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds,
and life was really tough.

She wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up.
They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone
else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were
16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing
other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million
other things other kids did.

Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once. We knew
better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays.

Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest
adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like our Mom was.

The world just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.

GOD BLESS ALL OF OUR MOM'S LIVING OR DECEASED...
WE LOVE THEM AND THANK THEM FOR BEING SO MEAN TO US.....