Humor 5/30/00: Management Terms & Perfection

Hi everyone,

This past weekend I went up to Westmont College in Santa Barbara for our
annual church conference. Steve Lee came up as well so we had a chance
to hang out. Westmont is a beautiful campus. While we were there,
there were two outdoor weddings held on the grounds.

I watched Mission Impossible 2 and Shanghai Noon. I liked them both,
but they were very different. However, I liked Gladiator the most, so
if you haven't watched it yet, go see it.

A few of you asked about the free Palm IIIe deal at Citi F/I. I just
received the offer in the mail. Go to www.citifi.com, and use offer
code "CP". All you need is to deposit $500 into the account.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had to paint your
entire home, inside and out, a single color other than white, what color
would you pick?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Vivian Chiang, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Jeannette Chin.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
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Top 25 Project Manager Terms and Expressions
(What they say versus what they mean)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely
hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
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In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning
disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire
school career, while others can be main-streamed into conventional
schools.

At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a
speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where
is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with
perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do.
My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where
is God's perfection?"

The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish
and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered,
"that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection
that he seeks is in the way people react to this child."

He then told the following story about his son Shaya: One afternoon
Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were
playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"

Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most
boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood
that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense
of belonging. Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and
asked if Shaya could play.
The boy looked around at his team-mates and said "We are losing by six
runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our
team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."

Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to
put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of
the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind
by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again
and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning
run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let
Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but
impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,
let alone hit with it. However as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the
pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at
least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of
Shaya's team-mates came up to Shaya and together the held the bat and
faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a
few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya. As the pitch
came in, Shaya and his team-mate swung at the bat and together they hit
a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right
field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling,
"Shaya, run to first. Run to first."

Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the
baseline wide-eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the
right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second
baseman who could have easily tagged Shaya out. But the right fielder
understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high
and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second,
run to second."

Shaya ran towards second base while the runners ahead of him deliriously
circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the
opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third
base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from
both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home." Shaya ran home,
stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and
made him the hero - after all, hadn't he just hit a "grand slam" and won
the game for his team?

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
"those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."