Humor 6/05/00: Consulting Top 10 & Carly's Speech

Hi everyone,

I was busy this past weekend working on some final papers. This coming
week is the last week of classes and then I graduate on June 16th.
These past two years have really flown by! After graduation I'll be
staying here in LA to do a startup in the entertainment/leisure area.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could change one of
your personality traits, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by John Chao, followed by Carly
Fiorina's inspirational commencement address at MIT forwarded by Monica
Quock. I really encourage you guys to click on the link below to read
her speech:

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/nr/2000/fiorinaspeech.html

I find her speech especially motivating, since I'm planning to build a
startup. Here's a brief quote that I can really identify with:

"The lesson I learned at that life marker was love what you do, or don't
do it. Don't make a choice of any kind, whether in career or in life,
just because it pleases others or because it ranks high on someone
else's scale of achievement or even because it seems to be, perhaps even
for you at the time, simply the logical thing to do at that moment on
your path. Make the choice to do something because it engages your heart
as well as your mind. Make the choice because it engages all of you."

Enjoy!

-Josh.
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Top Ten Things a Consultant Should Never Tell a Client

1. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
2. You should see the hotel I'm staying at!
3. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started
working here.
4. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're
gone.
5. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving!
6. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
7. So what do you need me to tell you?
8. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
9. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three
month project.
10. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

1. I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.
2. Do you pay overtime?
3. I hate flying.
4. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
5. There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
6. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
7. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
8. I think three letter acronyms are for people who are too stupid to
remember whole phrases.
9. Two Words: Family First
10. Call it what you want; it still means firing people.

Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we are billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying 'synergy' or 'value-added.'
3. How about paying us based on the success of this project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take he credit. It was Ed in your Marketing Dept.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me.
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Carly Fiorina's Speech at MIT

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/nr/2000/fiorinaspeech.html