Humor 4/6/98: Toasted Worldwide

Hey,

Welcome once again to my weekly humor email. In response to my question
about the carrot or the stick as a better motivator of people, 3
responded in favor of the carrot, 1 for the stick. However, several of
those responding for the stick also said that the stick is necessary at
times to motivate people as well. My own response is that it depends.
For longer term, longer lasting results, I think the carrot is better.
For immediate action, short lasting, the stick is better.

This week's thought provoking questions comes from Jenny Feng: "Can any
one person love two or more people absolutely
equally? (it can be love of family, of our "neighbor," of romance or
love of self, or of love within the same category )? If so, how? If
impossible, why?"

This week's humor email comes from Elaine Wong. For those of you at
Andersen, you'll really appreciate the last section. This is followed
by a story sent by Brent Chinn, which takes the place of the usual
Chicken Soup story. It's similar in nature and you'll really like it,
especially if you're a teacher. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

If IBM made toasters:
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market of five,
maybe six toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled "Toasters
for a Small Planet" - a discussion with you and your dentist about IBM's
incredible success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic
Games.

If Microsoft made toasters:
Every time you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'll still have to pay for
it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel counter top), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with
their toasters.

If Apple made toasters:
It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier,
and inexplicably never become a major market contender.

If Xerox made toasters:
You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters:
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and
you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the
box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters:
They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was
still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and
that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters:
The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cup of Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.

If TRW Corporation made toasters:
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints
for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters:
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of
bread it is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt but
you need to buy a model for every variety of bread you need to toast.

If Fisher Price made toasters:
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If Franklin Mint made toasters:
Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Anderson Consulting made toasters:
It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered simple,
yet radical, interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging
visionary offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of
carbonization degradation via an architecting process involving a
conceptual design of worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food
services for enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of
reorientation in an impactful environment which is strategically based,
industry focused, and aligned with your family's mission, vision and
core values.
___________________________________________

THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
By Roy Exum

When Tony Campolo was in Chattanooga, Tennessee to speak at the annual
"Gathering of Men" breakfast, the noted sociologist told a story that
begs to be repeated.

It seems that there was a lady named Jean Thompson and when she stood in
front of her fifth-grade class on the very first day of school in the
fall, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her
pupils and said that she loved them all the same, that she would treat
them all alike. And that was impossible because there in front of her,
slumped in his seat on the third row, was a boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed he didn't
play well with the other children, that his clothes were unkempt and
that he constantly needed a bath. Add to it the fact Teddy was
unpleasant. It got to the point during the first few months that she
would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen,
making bold 'X's and then marking the 'F' at the top of the paper
biggest of all. Because Teddy was a sullen little boy, nobody else
seemed to enjoy him, either. Now at the school where Mrs. Thompson
taught, she was required to review each child's records and because of
things, put
Teddy's off until the last. But, when she opened his file, she was in
for a surprise.

His first-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright, inquisitive child
with a ready laugh. He does work neatly and has good manners. He is a
joy to be around." His second-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an
excellent student and is well-liked by his classmates-but he is troubled
because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a
struggle." His third-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy continues to work hard
but his mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best but
his
father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him
if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy
is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have
many friends and sometimes sleeps in class. He is tardy and could become
a problem."

By now Mrs. Thompson realized the problem but Christmas was coming
fast. It was all she could do, with the school play and all, until the
day before the holidays began and she was suddenly forced to focus on
Teddy Stoddard on that last day before the vacation would begin. Her
children brought her presents, all in gay ribbon and bright paper,
except for Teddy's, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper
of a scissored grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the
middle
of the other presents and some of the children started to laugh when she
found a rhinestone bracelet, with some of the stones missing, and a
bottle that was one-quarter full of cologne. She stifled the laughter
when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and she
dabbed some of the perfume behind the other wrist.

At the end of the day, as the other children joyously raced from the
room, Teddy Stoddard stayed behind, just long enough to say, "Mrs.
Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to." As soon as Teddy
left, Mrs. Thompson knelt at her desk and there, after the last day of
school before Christmas, she cried for at least an hour. On that very
day, she quit teaching reading and writing and speaking. Instead, she
began to teach children. And Jean Thompson paid particular attention
to one they all called "Teddy".

As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she
encouraged him, the faster he responded and, on days that there would be
an important test Mrs. Thompson would remember that cologne. By the end
of the year he had become one of the smartest children in the class and
well, he had also become the "pet" of the teacher who had once vowed to
love all of her children exactly the same. A year later she found a note
under her door, from Teddy, telling her that of all the teachers he'd
had in elementary school, she was his favorite. Six years went by before
she got another note from Teddy. And then he wrote that he had finished
high school, third in his class, and she was still his favorite teacher
of all time. Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that
while things had been tough at times, that he'd stayed in school, had
stuck with it, and would graduate from college with the highest of
honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson she was still his favorite teacher.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he
explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a
little further. The letter explained that she was still his favorite
teacher but that now his name was a little longer. And the letter was
signed, "Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D."

The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that
Spring. Teddy said that he'd met this girl and was to be married. He
explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was
wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the pew usually
reserved for the mother of the groom. You'll have to decide yourself
whether or not she wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones
missing. But, I bet on that special day, Jean Thompson smelled just
like... well, just like she smelled many years before on the last day of
school before the Christmas Holidays began.