Humor 2/7/99: Dave Barry's 25 Lessons

Hey,

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you were to be stranded
forever on a desert island and could have only one book to read, which
would you want?" Since this question should be relatively easy to
answer, I encourage you to send me a response. I'll send you the
results next week.

This week's humor was forwarded by Dave Shim, followed by the last
installment of the inspirational lessons from children, also forwarded
by Dave Shim. These inspirational pieces probably came from the Chicken
Soup series, and someone compiled several of these relating to children
into one email. Enjoy!

Several of you have been emailing me at joshli@ucla.edu. I only check
this address once a week on Sunday nights. Please send all emails to me
at joshli@post.harvard.edu. This is my permanent email address and it
automatically forwards the message to my most current address.

Take care and have a great week!

-Josh.
______________________________________

NEW YEAR'S WISDOM: TWENTY-FIVE THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN FIFTY YEARS By
Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle
East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of
possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept
into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out,
"SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
A. The universe is even bigger than they thought!
B. There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
C. Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of
what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
A. If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
B. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that
there are significant differences between these two products, both
companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
C. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable
athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact
that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
D. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this
factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
_____________________________________

"A Lesson In Heart"

A lesson in "heart" is my little, 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was
born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time.
She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in
"field day"-that's where they have lots of races and other competitive
events.

Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of
encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting
this get her down but before I could get a word out, she said, "Daddy, I
won two of the races!" I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I
had an advantage." Ahh. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a
head start... some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could
say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head start... My
advantage was I had to try harder!"

"What We Remember"

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it,
jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire
four years of college. He is brilliant. Kinda' esoteric and very
bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the
street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church.
They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure
how to go about it. One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with
no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair.

The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle
looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find
a seat. By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says
anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and
then he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the
carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college
fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!)

By now people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of
the church, a deacon is slowly making his was toward Bill. Now the
deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit,
and a pocket watch. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very
courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this
boy, everyone is saying to themselves. You can't blame him for what
he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his
background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a
long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent
except for the clicking of the man's cane.

All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The
people are thinking, the minister can't even preach the sermon until
the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man
drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself
and sits down next to Bill, takes off his shoes and socks, and
worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with
emotion. When the minister gains control he says, "What I'm about to
preach you will never remember. What you have seen, you will never
forget.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/