Humor 3/21/99: Men & Women Speak, Lesson #5

Hi everyone,

Tomorrow is our finance exam, so good luck to all my first year
classmates!

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could possess one
supernatural ability, what would it be?"

This week's humor email was forwarded by Dave Shim, followed by Life
Lesson # 5, forwarded by Susan Hasegawa. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening (the creator of "The Simpsons")


HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end
of the note...


NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless...


EATING OUT:

and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back...
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators...


BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items...


GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping... He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane...


SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day...


CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats...


OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house...


DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals...


LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."


WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party"...
_______________________________

~ 5 ~ Giving Blood

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got
to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and
serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived
the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the
boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him
hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes,
I'll do it if it will save Liz."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and
smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then
his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor
and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was
going to have to give her all his blood.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/