Humor: Differences between men and women
Hi everyone,
Steve Lee forwarded this piece of humor to me yesterday and I just
think
that it is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Sorry if you've
already seen this. Enjoy!
-Josh.
__________________________________________________________
<< More on the differences between men and women . . .
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights
later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They
continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them
is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that,
as
of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
long
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I
said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he
thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't
want,
or
isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we
are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see .
..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car
at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa!
I
am
way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I
sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.
That's
why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid
of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.
What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
damn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
darn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes
beginning
to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have.... Oh God, I feel so .
.... . '' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine
says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries
to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks
might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,
he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never
heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's
better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding
world
hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything
he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting
bored
with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend
of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?''
posted by Josh Li @ 9:58 AM
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