Humor: 2/24/97, Bill & Hillary

Hi everyone,

Greetings! Starting tomorrow, I'll be working on a project in Stamford,
Connecticut during the work week. I will be living in a nice apartment
there. As I mentioned before, I will plan a big party, and all of you
are invited. Stamford is about 45 minutes outside of New York City, so
it will be a good opportunity for you to visit New York. You are
welcome to crash at my new place.

Looking at my calendar, I think a good tentative date is the weekend of
March 14th to 16th. Please let me know if you think you can come to a
party if I had it on Friday night, March 14th. I can then take all out
of town visitors on a tour of New York on Saturday. We can go to
tourist sites like the World Trade Center, go to the Metropolitan Museum
of Art, or watch a Broadway play/musical. The options are endless.

For my Christian friends, we can visit the Redeemer Church or OCM for
Sunday Service. After lunch in New York, you guys can head back to
Boston or wherever you're visiting from. I'll send out a follow-up
email with more details as the date becomes firm.

This week's humor was sent to me a few weeks ago by Joy Ku.

Have a great week!

-Josh.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Hillary and Bill were on vacation one weekend, and decided to go for a
drive to see the beautiful countryside. After awhile, they needed to
stop for gas. They pulled into the tiny gas station, and out
walked a man to help them. Hillary looked up and screamed at the top of
her lungs,
"Oh my God! Charley? Is that you? I can't believe it!"

She leapt out of the car and gave the man a big hug, and proceeded
to talk with the man for a long time. After they were finished talking,
they hugged again, and Hillary got back in the car.

As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked, "Honey,
who was that?"

"That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine," she responded. "We
dated for a long time, and almost got married."

"Oh." said Bill. "Well, I guess you're glad you married me
instead."

"Why do you say that?" asked Hillary.

"Because he's only a gas station attendant, and I'm the President
of
the United States," exclaimed Bill.

"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." said
Hillary. "If I would have married Charley, he would be the President."

This Week's Humor: Lawyers vs. MBAs

Hi everyone,

I hope all of you had a great Valentine's Day. I had a good time at the
Harvard Asian American Association conference. I met some really
interesting and cool speakers and conference participants, and welcome
several of them to this distribution list. I had a chance to meet
Connie Chung, speak to her, and sit at her table for the banquet
dinner.
Also, Gish Jen read from her new novel "Mona in the Promised Land",
which I thought was really funny and insightful. I bought a copy which
she signed. I highly recommend it. It's about a Chinese American
teenager, Mona Chang, whose family live in a predominantly Jewish suburb
in New York.

On another note, in case you have one of my old business cards, the
Boston office of Andersen Consulting has just moved. Our new address
is:

Andersen Consulting
100 Williams Street
Wellesley, MA 02181

The new toll-free number where you can leave me a message is:
1-888-454-4010, mailbox 8208. My direct work number is: (617)454-8208,
which will go into the voicemail system if I'm not at my desk.

Thanks again to Dave Shim, a corporate lawyer himself, for the humor
below. I found it to be really funny. Have a great week!

-Josh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a
> conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and
> watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.
>
> "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
>
> "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
>
> They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats
> but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door
> behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
> comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
> says, "Ticket, please."
>
> The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
> in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
>
> The MBAs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
> after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on
> the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
> all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
> for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy
> a ticket at all.
>
> "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
>MBA.
>
> "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
>
> When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and
> the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
> Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks
> over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the
> door and says, Ticket, please."

Humor: Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Hi everyone,

I know that most of you are both fans of Star Wars and Star Trek. With
the re-release of the Star Wars movie, I thought that this email is
especially appropriate. Thanks to Dave Shim for forwarding it to me.

Please do not hesitate to ask me to take you off my humor distribution
list if you just don't have the time to read it. I won't be offended.
I will limit it to once per week. Please send me humor that you get so
I can forward them to others.

On a personal note, I was suppose to start a project in Washington D.C.
today, but I found out on Friday afternoon that I won't be going there
after all. Most likely, I'll be going to a project in New York, so I
get a chance to see most of you. If Andersen puts me up in a nice
apartment somewhere in Manhattan, I'll invite you guys over for a party.

Take care and talk to you soon! Keep in touch! I promise to reply to
some of your emails soon. -Josh.
_______________________________________________________________________

Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star
Trek Universe

10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
"stun".

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millennium Falcon
does
the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after piddly
Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
action.

6) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.

5) One word: lightsabers.

4) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
Slave I.

3) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is Class M or not.

2) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Humor 2/3/97: Bart Simpson

Hi everyone,

Here's this week humor, courtesy of John Chao. Hope everyone is doing
well. Please let me know if you want me to take you off of my humor
distribution lists.

-Josh.

If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000
times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of
the
Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and pretty
darn
funny. Here are the "Collected Writings of Bart Simpson From the
Chalkboard Exercises" during the opening credits. It's a little
long
but funny.

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
I will not cut corners
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major
League
Baseball.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.

I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.