Humor 12/28/98: Best Telemarketing Story

Hi everyone,

I hope all of you had a great Christmas. I had lots of fun down in San
Diego with my former roommate Rich and his relatives. Also, I had a
good time swing dancing tonight with some of you guys here in LA. I
look forward to seeing many of you in the next week or two at various
activities.

This week's humor email was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by a
inspirational piece from Steve Lee. Enjoy!

Have a great New Year!

-Josh.

___________________________________

The Best Telemarketing story:

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you is

to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call
from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as
irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went
something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

(At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,

surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise,
when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.)

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
callling.

(When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express

yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.)

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

(Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute

but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.)

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day,
$1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested
in knowing how you will be making payments.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents
a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind
of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
in
the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques
on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

(So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes
and while I have a mouth full of food:)

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was

helping you.
Me: Thank you.

(I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.)

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing? because you can never
have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like
to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

________________________________

The Paradox Of Our Age

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but
enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but
less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
less
judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less
wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get

up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years
to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but
polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write

more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but
lower morals; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but
fewer friends; more effort, but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on
quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and
short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are
the
times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun;
more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses,
but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stockroom.

Indeed it's all true.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 12/21/98: Flying & Three Trees

Hi everyone,

Merry Christmas! I hope you're not too stressed by the Christmas
season. I've heard reports that Christmas is the most stressful time of
the year for people. In the midst of all the Christmas shopping and
traditions, I hope you do not forget the true meaning of Christmas,
which is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

This week's humor was forwarded by Neil Shouse, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Anna Man. Enjoy!

Let me know if you are going to be visiting LA in the next couple of
weeks. There are many activities that you can participate in.

-Josh.
___________________________________________

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are
awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in
the back of
the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the
pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way
up to the
cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into
passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot
is using a
seeing-eye guide dog.

As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard,
as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But
a few
minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start
spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers
look
at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and
shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane
starts
accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are
praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the
runway, passengers
become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a
few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as
everyone
screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and
is airborne!!!

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain:

"You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too
late, and we're gonna get killed!"
___________________________________________

Three Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were
discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday, I
hope to be a
treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems.
I could be decorated with intricate carvings and everyone would see the
beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday, I will be a mighty ship. I will
take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the
world.
Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and
straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill
and
look up to my branches. They will think of the heavens and God and how
close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time
and
people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group
of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he
said, "This
looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a
carpenter". He began cutting it down. The tree was happy because he
knew
that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I
should be able to sell it to the shipyard". The second tree was happy
because he
knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened
because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come
true. One of
the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree so I'll
take this one". He cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed
box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay.
This was
not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made
into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and
carrying kings
had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left
alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one
day, a man and a woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed
the baby in
the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man
wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger
would have to
do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it
had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second
tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on
the
water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong
enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he
stood and said
"peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had
carried the king of kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through
the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they
came to
a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at
the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it
was
strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as
was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your
way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust
in Him, He
will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just
not in the way they had imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His
ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Author - Unknown
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 12/13/98: Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Hey,

I'm taking a study break to compose this weekly humor email. My first
final starts tomorrow morning. For those of you who are my classmates,
I hope our HR final went well.

On Friday night, I took another study break and watched the new Start
Trek movie with some friends. I enjoyed it and recommend it. What was
really cool was the trailer for the new Star Wars movie. A classmate
had already showed us the trailer in class. Watching the trailer in a
large theater with the surround sound and visual effect gave me goose
bumps. I can't wait for it to come out next spring. It's
awe-inspiring.

In light of the watching both Star Trek and Star Wars together, this
week's humor email is one I sent out on February 10th, 1997. The
inspirational story following the humor was forwarded by Monica Quock.
Enjoy!

To my classmates, best wishes on your finals!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star
Trek Universe

10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
"stun".

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millennium Falcon does
the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after piddly Cardassian
starvation and torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
action.

6) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.

5) One word: lightsabers.

4) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
Slave I.

3) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is Class M or not.

2) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
___________________________________

A CHRISTMAS STORY

It was only five days before Christmas. The spirit of the season hadn't
yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our
Houston area Target Shopping Center. Inside the store, it was worse.
Shopping carts and last minute shoppers jammed the aisles.

Why did I come today? I wondered. My feet ached almost as much as my
head. My list contained names of several people who claimed they wanted
nothing, but I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didn't buy them
anything. Buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high
cost of items, I considered gift-buying anything but fun.

Hurriedly, I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and
proceeded to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it
looked as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait.

In front of me were two small children, a boy of about 10 and a younger
girl about 5. The boy wore a ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered
tennis shoes jutted far out in front of his much too short jeans. He
clutched several crumpled dollar bills in his grimy hands. The girl's
clothing resembled her brother's. Her head was a matted mass of curly
hair. Reminders of an evening meal showed on her small face.

She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold house slippers. As the
Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo system, the girl hummed
along off-key but happily.

When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully
placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they were a
treasure. The clerk rang up her bill. "That will be $6.09" the clerk
said, the boy laid his crumpled dollars atop the stand while he searched
his pockets finally coming up with $3.12.

"I guess we will have to put them back, " he bravely said. "We will
come back some other time, maybe tomorrow."

With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "But Jesus
would have loved these shoes," she cried.

"Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come back,"
he said.

Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in
line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas.

Suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank
you Sir." "What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the
shoes?" I asked.

The small boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy
said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus."

The girl spoke, "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in heaven are
shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on
those streets to match these shoes?"

My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear streaked face. "Yes," I
answered, "I am sure she will."

Silently I thanked God for using these children to remind me of the true
spirit of giving. Christmas is not about the amount of money paid, nor
the amount of gifts purchased, nor trying to impress friends and
relatives.

Christmas is about the love in your heart to share with those as Jesus
Christ has shared with each of us. Christmas is about the Birth of
Jesus whom God sent to show the world how much he really loves us.

Please show this love as we think of the upcoming season.

--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 12/7/98: A Sign of the 90's

Hey,

I hope things are going well for you. I have one more week of classes
to go, and then it's a week of finals. I'm definitely looking forward
to the end of the quarter. I'll be here in LA until January 3rd, so let
me know if you'll be in town. After that, I'll be in Silicon
Valley/S.F. for a week.

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Ethel Lai. In this hectic, busy
Christmas season, I hope that you will not lose sight of the true
meaning of Christmas. Enjoy!

-Josh.
___________________________________________

SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have email addresses.

2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the
next day, it is just too slow.

3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"

4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met
before.

5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as
Bookmarks

6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now
prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the
opposite sex.

7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some, that you
have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ
research.

8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their efficiency

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to
work.

10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work
you do.

11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.

12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you.
"Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the
cut"

13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
_________________________________

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our
Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has
peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas --- oh, not the
true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of
it-overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get
a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma --- the gifts
given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts,
sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for
Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12
that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended;
and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a
team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters,
dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only
thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in
their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.
As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was
wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a
wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team
obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them.

We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the
mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of
street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me,
shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said.
"They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart
right out of them."

Mike loved kids-all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league
football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present
came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought
an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously
to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on
the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was
his gift from me.

His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in
succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition---one
year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey
game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had
burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the
last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their
new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted
the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but
the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. You
see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas
rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the
tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree,
and in the morning, it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope
on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will
expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with
wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us.

May we all remember Christ, who is the reason for the season, and the
true Christmas spirit this year and always.

God bless---pass this along to your friends and loved ones.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/