Humor 10/12/98: Interview Stories

Hey,

I hope your weekend went well, especially for those of you in Boston who
went to the Fall Conference. Please do email me and let me know how it
went.

Good news! My phone number is finally connected! Feel free to call me
and say hi.

This past week was the first full week of classes, and it was packed!
We have lot's of work already. However, I'm enjoying being in a
completely learning mode. I've also signed up for a huge number of
clubs and other activities.

Since all of us a B-school anywhere are always looking for a job, this
week's humor email is on the subject of interviewing. The email was
forwarded by Jennifer Chin. The very touching story after that comes
from Michelle Chan. Enjoy!

-Josh.
__________________________________

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the
time of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants
however go light years beyond this. What follows is a survey of top
personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked
for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an
unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would
prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at
the same time.

7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later
wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive
was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries during the interview.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the
middle of an interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of
finance.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call
the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly
thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that
the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest
at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to
leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the
interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like
this: 'which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I
assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."
He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more." I didn't
hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was scam to
get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the
other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require
indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and
dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the
shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a
day and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my
phone number. I called security.

33. She threw-up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions
about the job as if nothing happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if
he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state
why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He
then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was
injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
____________________________

LITTLE TEDDY STODDARD

There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher. Her name was
Mrs. Thompson. And as she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the
very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most
teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all
the same. But that was impossible, because there in the front row,
slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he
didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy
and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be unpleasant.
It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in
marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then
putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review
each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However,
when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. Teddy's first
grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He
does his work neatly and has good manners...he is a joy to be around."
His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well
liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a
terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle." His third grade
teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do
his best but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life
will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth grade
teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in
school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of
herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas
presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for
Teddy's. His present, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown
paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open
it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to
laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones
missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she
stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the
bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her
wrist.

Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say,
"Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the
children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she
quit
teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to
teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As
she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she
encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy
had become one of the smartest
children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the
children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her
that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six
years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote
that
he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the
best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Four years after that, she
got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times,
he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from
college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she
was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he
explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a
little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and
favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.
The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.

The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that
spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He
explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was
wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the
wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of
course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the
one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing
the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last
Christmas together.

They hugged each, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear,
"Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for
making me feel important and showing me that I could make a
difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She
said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that
I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."
------------------------------------------------------------------

Warm someone's heart today.... Pass it along.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 10/4/98: Top 10 Signs You Work in Consulting

Hey Everyone,

Welcome to my weekly humor email for those who are new. Please check
out my new homepage: http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/. I
have scanned in some of my pictures from my summer travels in Asia, and
will be linking them in within the next day or two. Every once in a
while, I'll scan in some more pictures and load them to the web. I also
have a section to link to my friend's homepages. So, if you would like
me to add a link to your homepage, please just send me the address.
Afterall, one of the main purposes of personal homepages is to link to
other things. For those of you at Anderson B-school, I will be putting
up my classnotes, and other materials.

OK, this week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by a touching
story forwarded by David Shim. Enjoy!

Take care and keep in touch!

-Josh.
_______________________________________

Top 10 Signs You Work in Consulting:
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process
9. You get all excited it's Saturday so you can wear casual
clothes to work
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do
for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold
fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your
next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
his ideas into a matrix
1. You think a half-day means leaving at 5 o'clock


You know it is time to get out of consulting when...
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper
with six other people you don't know.
9. You believe every company is "a traditional functional
organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to
change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."
10. You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an
"ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just
"issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You know every piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
13. You calculate your own personal cost of capital and NPV.
13. a) You calculate your prospective spouse's NPV.
14. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of
yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
15. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller,"
and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
16. You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and
"firing peoples' butts."
17. You actually believe your explanation in number 16.
18. You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish
notation.
19. You enjoy using an HP-12C.
20. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
21. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a
noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
22. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
23. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at
his desk and stared out his window..."
24. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
25. You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
26. You believe CAPM.
27. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
28. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
29. You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
30. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for
the Wall Street Journal.
31. None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
32. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead
of an expense.
33. You insist that you do some more market research before you and
your spouse produce another child.
34. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency
meeting about their brand equity.
35. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see
if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions...
36. ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
37. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your
fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help
with the down payment.
38. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid
bills.
39. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
40. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
Internet connection.
41. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
______________________________________

Subject: The Voice

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in
our neighborhood. I remember well the polished old case fastened to
the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too
little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when
my mother used to talk to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
amazing person - her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing
she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anybody's number
and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle came one day
while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool
bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer.

The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason for crying
because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the
house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
"The telephone," I thought.

Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the
landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it
to my ear. "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above
my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
"Information."

"I hurt my finger. . ." I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily
enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me." I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?"

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could.

"Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said
the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her
for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She
helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught
in the park just the day before would eat fruits and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called
"Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then
said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child.

But I was un-consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing
so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap
of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul,
always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice. "How do you spell fix?" I
asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed
my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden
box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new
phone that sat on the table in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations
never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would
recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how
patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a
little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in
Seattle. I had about half an hour or so between planes. I spent 15
minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then
without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and
said, "Information , Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well,
"Information." I hadn't planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could
you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your
finger must have healed by now."

I laughed. "So it's really still you,' I said. "I wonder if you have
any idea how much you meant to me during that time."

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me." "I
never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if
I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do, she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
"Information." I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" She said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, she said. Sally had been working
part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks
ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name
was Paul?"
"Yes."

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you
called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him I still say
there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Anonymous

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476 (Not connected yet)
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu