Humor 10/26/97: In a bit of a flap...

Hi y'all,

This week's recommendation for book, CD, movie or something else applies
mostly to the guys. It's the book, "What Makes a Man? 12 Promises That
Will Change Your Life." I found it to be extremely helpful. You're
welcome to borrow it if you're in the Boston area.

This week's humor email comes to us from Dave Shim. Enjoy!

-Josh.
___________________________________________________

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house
via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen Germany.
"I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps rather than human
flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should
have realised that."

Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become
trapped in his own front door for two days after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast
around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs
and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory."

"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway, so my
screams were muffled."

"After a few hours, a group of students approached me, but instead of
helping, they removed my trousers and underpants, painted my buttocks
bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a
sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art.
Please give generously', and left me there.

"People were passing by, and, when asked for help, they just said 'Very
Good, Very Clever' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to
free me".

"In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking
my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. The rescue
services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon as I
was free".

Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3000 in
my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted".

Humor 10/19/97: Back on Campus

Hi y'all,

This week, the recommendation for a movie, CD, or something else is the
movie, "Seven Years in Tibet". It's slightly long, but very interesting
and epic. Makes you want to visit Tibet, although the movie was not
filmed there at all.

I found this week's humor on an Andersen knowledge database. It is an
article written by a Boston Globe columnist. I think it's absolutely
hilarious. However, Bostonians will definitely get more of the humor.
Enjoy!

-Josh.
_____

Back on Campus - Tok of the town
A student's guide to Bawstin for all of you who weren't bon heah
By John Powers
(This story ran on page E01 of the Boston Globe on 09/11/97.)

Tell the truth, now. How many of you said ''Boston University'' to the
cabbie at Logan and ended up at BC? You're right. It wasn't a
misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you weren't bon heah, so he took you
for a ride. By now, you know that nobody in the Hub calls it Boston
University. We don't really call it the Hub, either, except in
headlines. By the time you graduate, you'll also
be able to tell Southie from the South End, know how to pronounce
Gloucester and who should have been at first base instead of Bill
Buckner. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T
to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building
means in the summer. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get
cahded at the packie. Here with, a student's survival guide to Bawstin:

How we tok:
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from
East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad "A" and
the dropped "R", which we add to words ending in "A" - pahster, Cuber,
soder. For the broad "A", just open your mouth and say ''ah,'' like the
docta says. So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to talk like the
mayah, repeat after me: ''My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah. ''

When we say: \ We mean:
bzah \ odd
flahwiz \ roses, etc. (This means you, Maccaro)
hahpahst \ 30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? \ How are you?
khakis \ what we staht the cah with
pissa \ superb
retahded \ silly
shuah \ of course
wikkid \ extremely
yiz \ you, plural

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to ''Cheers.''
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it ''Worchester.''
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it ''Copely'' Square.
You go to BU.

Getting around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill
penned in by water.
You know, ''One if by land, two if by sea.'' Charlestown? Cahn't get
theyah from heah. And
which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren
Avenues, three Warren
Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place. Pay no attention to the
street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court
Steet, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water
Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington,
Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C,
D. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar),
you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in
Wellesley. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica
Plain. Readville doesn't exist.

The North-East-South-West thing:
Southie is South Boston.
The South End is the South End.
The North End is east of the West End.
The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
Eastie is East Boston.
The East End is Boston Harbor.

About our ''cuisine'':
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more
than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it,
and eat it with baked beans.
They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth
century.

People without last names:
Dapper
Whitey
Raybo
Natalie
Roger
Julia

Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't call the mayah ''Mumbles.'' He hates that.
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock
buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin
Academy. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in `smoots.'
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
Ray Flynn used to be mayah.
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave.
Yaz wore 8, Ted wore 9.
The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it isn't from
Mississippi.
Argeo Paul Cellucci, the governor, is just acting.
To get back to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line then
grab the bus.

Miscellaneous:
The Hub: A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the Universe. It
was - in 1775.

The Big Dig:
The downtown highway project that's taking longer and costing more than
it should. The latest excuse for why traffic here is bzah.

The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather forecast:
''Steady blue, clear view
Flashing blue, clouds due
Steady red, rain ahead
Flashing red, snow instead.''
In the summer, flashing red means the Sox home game has been called off.

Humor 10/13/97: Guy Kawasaki

Hi everyone,

Welcome to my weekly humor email for those of you who I have just met at
our church Fall Conference, or if I got your updated email address. I
really enjoyed the Fall Conference and hope that for those of you who
went, you had a great experience as well. I'm also glad that I had a
chance to see and fellowship with many of you.

This week's recommendation for movie, CD, book or something else is
definitely in the "something else" category. For those of you that like
to sing, especially Praise songs, I would like to recommend the theme
song of our conference, "I Will Run To You." Here's the copyright
info: ©1996 Darlene Zschech (Hillsongs) (Admin. in U.S. & Canada by
Integrity's Hosanna! Music) I can send you the lyrics if you want, but
I don't have the chords yet. Actually, if you have the chords (being on
one of the music teams, please send me a copy. Thanks!) I think it's
really a great song.

Another recommendation is that if you are helping out with planning for
your church's conference, I would highly recommend the speaker that we
had, Frank Chan. He's a really good speaker, and is very genuine and
caring. His five speaker sessions were based on the theme of "The
Runner, The Race and the Prize". If you're interested in getting more
info, please email me.

Okay, let's get to the humor email. It's not exactly humor, but I think
it's interesting, and similar in nature to the "25 Lessons in Life"
email I sent out two weeks ago. Actually, I heard Guy Kawasaki speak at
Congress '95 (A huge Christian conference in Boston every year), and
he's a pretty good speaker as well. Thanks to Evelyn Su for forwarding
this email to me.

Take care and keep in touch!

-Josh.
________________________________________________

Guy Kawasaki was one of the founders of Apple Computer who helped create
the Mac.

Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech 6/11/95 "Hindsight" by Guy
Kawasaki

Speaking to you today marks a milestone in my life. I am 40 years old.
22 years ago, when I was in your seat, I never, ever thought I would be
40 years old.

The implications of being your speaker frightens me. For one thing,
when a 40 year old geeser spoke at my baccalaureate ceremony, he was
about the last person I'd believe. I have no intention of giving you
the boring speech that you are dreading. This speech will be short,
sweet, and not boring.

I am going to talk about hindsights today. Hindsights that I've
accumulated in the 20 years from where you are to where I am. Don't
blindly believe me. Don't take what I say as "truth." Just listen.
Perhaps my experience can help you out a tiny bit.

I will present them ala David Letterman. Yes, 40-year old people can
still stay up past 11.

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.

When I spoke at this ceremony two years ago, this was the most popular
hindsight -- except from the point of view of the parents. Thus, I knew
I was on the right track.

I was a diligent Oriental in high school and college. I took
college-level classes and earned college-level credits. I rushed
through college in 3 1/2 years. I never traveled or took time off
because I thought it wouldn't prepare me for work and it would delay my
graduation. Frankly, I blew it.

You are going to work the rest of your lives, so don't be in a rush to
start. Stretch out your college education. Now is the time to suck
life into your lungs -- before you have a mortgage, kids, and car
payments. Take a whole semester off to travel overseas. Take jobs and
internships that pay less money or no money. Investigate your passions
on your parent's nickel. Or dime. Or quarter. Or dollar. Your goal
should be to extend college to at least six years.

Delay, as long as possible, the inevitable entry into the workplace and
a lifetime of servitude to bozos who know less than you do, but who make
more money. Also, you shouldn't deprive your parents of the pleasure of
supporting you.

#9: Pursue joy, not happiness.

This is probably the hardest lesson of all to learn. It probably seems
to you that the goal in life is to be "happy." Oh, you maybe have to
sacrifice and study and work hard, but, by and large, happiness should
be predictable.

Nice house. Nice car. Nice material things. Take my word for it,
happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is
unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do
not obviously result in happiness.

Pursuing joy, not happiness will translate into one thing over the next
few years for you: Study what you love. This may also not be popular
with parents. When I went to college, I was "marketing driven." It's
also an Oriental thing. I looked at what fields had the greatest job
opportunities and prepared myself for them. This was brain dead. There
are so many ways to make a living in the world, it doesn't matter that
you've taken all the "right" courses. I don't think one person on the
original Macintosh team had a classic "computer science" degree.

You parents have a responsibility in this area. Don't force your kids
to follow in your footsteps or to live your dreams. My father was a
senator in Hawaii. His dream was to be a lawyer, but he only had a high
school education. He wanted me to be a lawyer. For him, I went to law
school. For me, I quit after two weeks. I view this a terrific
validation of my inherent intelligence.

#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to accept the known
and resist the unknown. You should, in fact, do exactly the opposite:
challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

Let me tell you a short story about ice. In the late 1800s there was a
thriving ice industry in the Northeast. Companies would cut blocks of
ice from frozen lakes and ponds and sell them around the world. The
largest single shipment was 200 tons that was shipped to India. 100
tons got there unmelted, but this was enough to make a profit.

These ice harvesters, however, were put out of business by companies
that invented mechanical ice makers. It was no longer necessary to cut
and ship ice because companies could make it in any city during any
season.

These ice makers, however, were put out of business by refrigerator
companies. If it was convenient to make ice at a manufacturing plant,
imagine how much better it was to make ice and create cold storage in
everyone's home.

You would think that the ice harvesters would see the advantages of ice
making and adopt this technology. However, all they could think about
was the known: better saws, better storage, better transportation.

Then you would think that the ice makers would see the advantages of
refrigerators and adopt this technology. The truth is that the ice
harvesters couldn't embrace the unknown and jump their curve to the next
curve.

Challenge the known and embrace the unknown, or you'll be like the ice
harvester and ice makers.

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and
play non-contact sports.

Learn a foreign language. I studied Latin in high school because I
thought it would help me increase my vocabulary. It did, but trust me
when I tell you it's very difficult to have a conversation in Latin
today other than at the Vatican. And despite all my efforts, the Pope
has yet to call for my advice.

Learn to play a musical instrument. My only connection to music today
is that I was named after Guy Lombardo. Trust me: it's better than
being named after Guy's brother, Carmen. Playing a musical instrument
could be with me now and stay with me forever. Instead, I have to buy
CDs at Tower.

I played football. I loved football. Football is macho. I was a
middle linebacker -- arguably, one of the most machs. That is, a sport
you can play when you're over the hill.

It will be as difficult when you're 40 to get twenty two guys together
in a stadium to play football as it is to have a conversation in Latin,
but all the people who wore cute, white tennis outfits can still play
tennis. And all the macho football players are sitting around watching
television and drinking beer.

#6: Continue to learn.

Learning is a process, not an event. I thought learning would be over
when I got my degree. It's not true. You should never stop learning.
Indeed, it gets easier to learn once you're out of school because it's
easier to see the relevance of why you need to learn.

You're learning in a structured, dedicated environment right now. On
your parent's nickel. But don't confuse school and learning. You can
go to school and not learn a thing. You can also learn a tremendous
amount without school.

#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like
yourself.

I know a forty year old woman who was a drug addict. She is a mother of
three. She traced the start of her drug addiction to smoking dope in
high school.

I'm not going to lecture you about not taking drugs. Hey, I smoked dope
in high school. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Also unlike Bill
Clinton, I exhaled.

This woman told me that she started taking drugs because she hated
herself when she was sober. She did not like drugs so much as much as
she hated herself. Drugs were not the cause though she thought they
were the solution.

She turned her life around only after she realized that she was in a
downward spiral. Fix your problem. Fix your life. Then you won't need
to take drugs. Drugs are neither the solution nor the problem.

Frankly, smoking, drugs, alcohol -- and using an IBM PC -- are signs of
stupidity. End of discussion.

#4: Don't get married too soon.

I got married when I was 32. That's about the right age. Until you're
about that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who
you're marrying.

I don't know one person who got married too late. I know many people
who got married too young. If you do decide to get married, just keep
in mind that you need to accept the person for what he or she is right
now.

#3: Play to win and win to play.

Playing to win is one of the finest things you can do. It enables you
to fulfill your potential. It enables you to improve the world and,
conveniently, develop high expectations for everyone else too.

And what if you lose? Just make sure you lose while trying something
grand. Avinash Dixit, an economics professor at Princeton, and Barry
Nalebuff, an economics and management professor at the Yale School of
Organization and Management, say it this way: "If you are going to fail,
you might as well fail at a difficult task. Failure causes others to
downgrade their expectations of you in the future. The seriousness of
this problem depends on what you attempt."

In its purest form, winning becomes a means, not an end, to improve
yourself and your competition.

Winning is also a means to play again. The unexamined life may not be
worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining. The rewards
of winning -- money, power, satisfaction, and self-confidence -- should
not be squandered.

Thus, in addition to playing to win, you have a second, more important
obligation: To compete again to the depth and breadth and height that
your soul can reach. Ultimately, your greatest competition is yourself.

#2: Obey the absolutes.

Playing to win, however, does not mean playing dirty. As you grow older
and older, you will find that things change from absolute to relative.
When you were very young, it was absolutely wrong to lie, cheat, or
steal.

As you get older, and particularly when you enter the workforce, you
will be tempted by the "system" to think in relative terms. "I made more
money." "I have a nicer car." "I went on a better vacation."

Worse, "I didn't cheat as much on my taxes as my partner." "I just have
a few drinks. I don't take cocaine." "I don't pad my expense reports
as much as others."

This is completely wrong. Preserve and obey the absolutes as much as
you can. If you never lie, cheat, or steal, you will never have to
remember who you lied to, how you cheated, and what you stole.

There absolutely are absolute rights and wrongs.

#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

This is the most important hindsight. It doesn't need much
explanation. I'll just repeat it: Enjoy your family and friends before
they are gone.

Nothing -- not money, power, or fame -- can replace your family and
friends or bring them back once they are gone. Our greatest joy has
been our baby, and I predict that children will bring you the greatest
joy in your lives -- especially if they graduate from college in four
years.

And now, I'm going to give you one extra hindsight because I've probably
cost your parents thousands of dollars today. It's something that I
hate to admit to.

By and large, the older you get, the more you're going to realize that
your parents were right. More and more -- until finally, you become
your parents. I know you're all saying, "Yeah, right." Mark my words.

Remember these ten things: if just one of them helps you helps just one
of you, this speech will have been a success:

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.

#9: Pursue joy, not happiness.

#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and
play non-contact sports.

#6: Continue to learn.

#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like
yourself.

#4: Don't get married too soon.

#3: Play to win and win to play.

#2: Obey the absolutes.

#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

Congratulations on your graduation. Thank you very much.

Humor 10/5/97: Interview Horror Story

Hi everyone,

I hope your weekend went well. Thanks to those of you who sent me
advice concerning finding an apartment in New York. However, I am back
working in the Boston office of Andersen for the time being, so I won't
be needing an apartment in Manhattan. The story is too long to go into
here of why I came back to work in Boston. I may send it out at a later
date.

This week, my recommendation for a movie, book, CD, or something else is
a book that I suggested to a friend this weekend. The book is a classic
Asian American piece of literature. It is John Okada's, "No-No Boy".
It's quick reading, but very powerful.

For those of you in the Boston area, my roommate Rich and I are thinking
of planning a ballroom dancing lesson on Swing on Saturday, October
25th. It will probably be located here in Watertown, MA and costs about
$5 per person. The Swing lesson will start exactly at 7:30 pm, and go
to 8:30 pm. Then, we'll try to have some time of just dancing, to both
Swing and to Foxtrot, which is what we learned last month. I'll send
out more specific details if we do manage to organize this event.

This week's really funny email comes to us from from Dave Shim. Thanks
Dave! Take care and enjoy!

-Josh.
____________________________________________________________

For those of you with interview lunch horror stories, this one
has to be the absolute worst.

Ouch!!!!

This is a redacted email from someone named Jamie Feldman.
Apparently it's true; we'll see.

I assume you know what moo-shu is: Chinese food consisting of
thin hot pancakes, hoisin sauce, and a filling made of seasoned
shredded vegetables with or without some kind of meat. You
spread the sauce on the pancake, put in a dollop of filling, and roll
it
up.

Anyway, the person who told me this true story is a 2nd-year
associate at a major New York law firm.

This week, the firm was interviewing a second-year law student
from a New York law school for next summer. Three of them went
to China Grill, an upscale Asian restaurant, for lunch: the
candidate and two associates.

They ordered moo-shu. The waiter arrived with the filling,
and then went around the table with a covered plate of moo-shu
pancakes. He went to the candidate first, who took a pancake,
opened it up, and pressed it directly onto her face, apparently
believing it to be some sort of a hot towel.

>From what I understand, the two associates refrained from
pressing their own pancakes to their own faces, and simply left them
alone
and ate the moo-shu filling straight.