Humor 6/26/00: Olympic Village & 1000 Marbles

Hi everyone,

Thanks to all of you who sent me a card or email to congratulate me!
I'll do my best to reply to you personally this week. Some of you asked
what I will be doing. I'm going to stay here in LA and do a startup in
the entertainment/leisure industry. Until we get seed funding or
incubation, we will work out of my apartment. I've bought another
computer and just ordered a DSL connection.

In last week's email, I mentioned pictures I took from graduation and
the Japanese Garden. Here are the links. Again, if you are a Star Trek
fan, one of the pictures in the Japanese Garden album looks like a
building from an episode of Star Trek. Take a look!

Graduation
http://www.zing.com/album/?id=4294043135

Japanese Garden
http://www.zing.com/album/?id=4294043199

This past week, I took my parents on a 3-day tour of the Grand Canyon
and Las Vegas. We went with a Chinese tour company. We tried to visit
all the major casinos (we didn't gamble), but just to check out their
architecture and unique aspects. We especially liked the Bellagio and
the Venetian. The Bellagio has a small lake in front and an awesome
water/light show set to classical music. I especially liked the Italian
song that Andrea Bocelli sings (very romantic song, but I don't know the
name. If you know, then please tell me). The Venetian replicates the
canals in Venice, with street performers, shops, cafes, etc.

Here are links to some of the pictures that I took. I didn't include in
all the personal pictures.

Grand Canyon
http://www.zing.com/album/?id=4294043149

Las Vegas
http://www.zing.com/album/?id=4294043105

Hoover Dam
http://www.zing.com/album/?id=4294043075

This coming Saturday, I'm getting a group of friends together to go
watch "Titan A.E." here in the San Fernando Valley, probably in
Winnetka. If you would like to come, please let me know.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have composed
any single piece of music that already exists, which would you choose?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Kelly Chu.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to
scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a
crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput."
He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration
attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your
packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to
all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

"HOT DOG!" The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the
limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck
Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon.
Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal
tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the
registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The
attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal
tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They
groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot
to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover
stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his
arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean.
Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
__________________________________________

A friend sent me this:
May your Saturday mornings be special.
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings.
Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise,
or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either
way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a
steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.

What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those
lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you
about it.

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio
in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came
across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden
voice.

You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting
business. He was telling whoever he was talking with something about "a
thousand marbles".

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. "Well,
Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay
you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family
so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or
seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your
daughter's dance recital."

He continued, "let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped
me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."
"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.
The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live
more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five
years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the
number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire
lifetime.

Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important part."
"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in
any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over
twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be
seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I
ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1000 marbles. I
took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container
right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I
have taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the
really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your
time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take
my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last
marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday
then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can
all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your
family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 73 Old Man, this
is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed
off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work
on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few
hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and
woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids
to breakfast."

"What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special,
it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the
kids.

Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some
marbles."

We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny.
But what we put into it is ours.
Dag Hammarskjöld (1905-61), Swedish statesman, Secretary-General of U.N.

Markings, "Night Is Drawing Nigh" (1963; written 1950).

Humor 6/19/00: Airline Humor & Love Saboteurs

Hi everyone,

I graduated this past Friday. The ceremony itself was a bit long.
Everyone who gave or received an award spoke for a few minutes.
However, it was good to take some pictures with my classmates. I'll
post the pictures next week, when I go back on campus to use the high
speed Internet connection to post the pictures.

Some of you know that I took "International Business Negotiations" this
past quarter. Well, I had a chance to apply some of what I learned
today. My parents and I went to Tijuana, Mexico for the day. We went
down to San Diego yesterday, and visited some of my parents' friends.
Then we stayed overnight in San Diego. This morning we took the trolley
from San Diego to the border and walked across. In our class, we had a
simulation of bargaining for goods on the street in a foreign country
using just a calculator. Today, however, all the store vendors
bargained with us in English. What we learned in class, which was
reinforced today, is the importance of walking away from the
negotiations. They inevitably drop their prices when you start to walk
away.

Are you a big Star Trek fan? I took my parents to the Japanese Garden,
which is part of the Water Reclamation Plant in Van Nuys. The
administration building looks very futuristic. They often film Star
Trek scenes in this Japanese Garden with the administration building in
the background. The garden is also very scenic. I'll post the pictures
I took of this place next week as well.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could suddenly
possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would you like
it to be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Gar Bo Wong, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Kelly Chu.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

6. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

7. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

8. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

9. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

10.From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!

11.Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

12.Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

13. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

14. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.

15. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
__________________________________________

Read: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The Love Saboteurs

It's the same old story," she lamented. "I meet this great guy, and then
I find out he's not so great." Yet another flamed-out relationship with
yet another guy.

But the not-so-great guy had a similar story. "I guess she's just not
what I'm looking for," he said with a shrug.

Well, what is he looking for? And how did these two arrive at their
conclusions? Who knows?

Perhaps the problem is in their expectations. They may have an
unrealistic understanding of relationships that has turned them into
unwitting "love saboteurs"--agents of destruction for every relationship
they approach.

In her case, she's starved for attention from the right guy. She knows
he's out there somewhere, and if she just looks long enough she'll find
him. And then, then, she'll finally be a whole person. Try living up to
that, guys.

He's living for the rush that comes from getting someone to fall for
him. He's not looking for love; he's stalking a kill.

Others blow up relationships in different ways, like rating possible
romantic interests with a mental checklist. They don't see people; they
see merchandise.

We enter relationships expecting something from someone else. But that's
wrong. Relationships--romantic or otherwise--take work! We should
expect it. Friendships and kinships will be full of inconveniences if
they are to mean anything.

The apostle Paul, who made a ministry out of inconvenience, wrote in
Philippians 2:4, "Look not only to your own interests, but also to the
interests of others." He echoed that idea in 1 Corinthians 13:7, "[Love]
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Is
that the way we are treating friends, family, potential life partners?

We are instructed to put the needs of others above our own. Until we can
do that, we're really not ready to be serious with anyone.

Human beings don't come made-to-order. They come with feelings and hopes
and dreams--and they are all too easily wounded. Today, learn about
someone else's dreams, instead of just chasing your own. --TG

REFLECTION

Relationship Checklist: How do I approach potential relationships? Do I
value people for who they are? Or do I think about what he or she can do
for me?

Is it possible that I am using my friends? Do I even know what their
dreams and plans are? Am I too busy telling them what I want?

Relationships don't work; people work out relationships!

>From Campus Journal

Humor 6/12/00: Roy at the Bar & Making a Difference

Hi everyone,

I have one more paper to go, and then I'm all done!

This past Friday was our last TEC program. TEC is an Entrepreneur
Association program here at the Anderson School. A group of 15 of us
second and first year students meet with different entrepreneurs once a
month. More importantly, we have a retired entrepreneur (Thanks Bruce!)
who serves as our mentor and leads us in discussions of various topics,
such as leadership, work/life balance, taking risks, etc. We also share
our backgrounds and business ideas with our TEC group and get their
feedback. By far this program is the best thing that I was involved in
at Anderson. It has the best benefit to work ratio. If you're a first
year, I strongly encourage you to apply next year.

For the last meeting, all of the 2nd year TEC members had to share with
the group our 5-year plans. We had to specify what % of waking time we
will devote to the following 6 categories: work, family, self,
spiritual, community, and friends/relationships. For each category,
also describe the types of activities. I think this is a great exercise
for everyone to do at least once a year.

During the TEC meeting, I thought about starting an informal TEC-like
group. A group of 10 to 15 of us would get together once a month. We
would invite an entrepreneur to have lunch or dinner with us. We can
ask him or her lots of questions. After the entrepreneur leaves, we can
share what's going on in our lives with the other group members. We can
also share potential business ideas. Everything that is discussed in
our group is strictly confidential. The only real requirement is
commitment to the group. Let me know if you would be interested in
something like this.

A few friends and I have Handspring Visors. Evelyn Lau sent me this
link to a LA Times article about Visors. In the article there are also
lots of links to websites where you can download Palm OS software.

http://www.latimes.com/business/cutting/20000608/t000054553.html

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could return for one
year to one age in your life, knowing what you know now, to relive that
year as you wish, which year would you go back to?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Monica Quock.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks
the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already
had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this
bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off
the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He
wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses
service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows
himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He
plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently
orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him
that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or
the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
-
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
__________________________________________

Take this quiz:

1) Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2) Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3) Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4) Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5) Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are
no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades
and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1) List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2) Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3) Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

4) Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
5) Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier ? The Lesson is?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones
who care.
--------------------

Thanks for caring!

Humor 6/05/00: Consulting Top 10 & Carly's Speech

Hi everyone,

I was busy this past weekend working on some final papers. This coming
week is the last week of classes and then I graduate on June 16th.
These past two years have really flown by! After graduation I'll be
staying here in LA to do a startup in the entertainment/leisure area.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could change one of
your personality traits, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by John Chao, followed by Carly
Fiorina's inspirational commencement address at MIT forwarded by Monica
Quock. I really encourage you guys to click on the link below to read
her speech:

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/nr/2000/fiorinaspeech.html

I find her speech especially motivating, since I'm planning to build a
startup. Here's a brief quote that I can really identify with:

"The lesson I learned at that life marker was love what you do, or don't
do it. Don't make a choice of any kind, whether in career or in life,
just because it pleases others or because it ranks high on someone
else's scale of achievement or even because it seems to be, perhaps even
for you at the time, simply the logical thing to do at that moment on
your path. Make the choice to do something because it engages your heart
as well as your mind. Make the choice because it engages all of you."

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Top Ten Things a Consultant Should Never Tell a Client

1. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
2. You should see the hotel I'm staying at!
3. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started
working here.
4. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're
gone.
5. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving!
6. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
7. So what do you need me to tell you?
8. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
9. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three
month project.
10. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

1. I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.
2. Do you pay overtime?
3. I hate flying.
4. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
5. There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
6. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
7. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
8. I think three letter acronyms are for people who are too stupid to
remember whole phrases.
9. Two Words: Family First
10. Call it what you want; it still means firing people.

Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we are billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying 'synergy' or 'value-added.'
3. How about paying us based on the success of this project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take he credit. It was Ed in your Marketing Dept.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me.
__________________________________________

Carly Fiorina's Speech at MIT

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/nr/2000/fiorinaspeech.html