Humor 9/20/99: Star Wars & Eight Gifts

Hi everyone,

I drove back to LA on Saturday. I'll send you all my new address and
phone number in a separate email. Sunday after church, some friends and
I watched "Runaway Bride". If you haven't seen it, I would recommend
it. It's a good romantic comedy.

I had no Internet access this weekend because my phone was not hooked
up. Hopefully, it will be hooked up tomorrow. This morning, I came
back to school to use the Internet connection. However, I had to get
Anderson Laptop Support to re-configure my laptop.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had the time and
money to take any courses, what kind of course or class would you take?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Aaron Mata, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Anna Man. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Lucasfilm just announced there's going to be an extra scene included in
the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year!
Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to
Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode
1... The Empire
Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
-----------------------------------------------

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is
underway.

DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A
quick move by VADER, chops off LUKE's hand. It goes spinning off into
the ventilation shaft.

LUKE backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but
straight down.

VADER Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
VADER No... I am your father!
LUKE No, it's not true! It's impossible.
VADER Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
LUKE NO!
VADER Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?
LUKE Threepio?
VADER Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
LUKE No...
VADER Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the
swamp...
LUKE I destroyed your precious Death Star!
VADER When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
trade Federation Droid Control ship!
LUKE Well, it's not my fault...
VADER Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the
Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
LUKE Shut up...
VADER You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated
the Jedi knights!
LUKE I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon
VADER Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer..
LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
VADER I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are,
but you sure ain't mine...
LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft.
VADER looks after him.
VADER Get a haircut!
____________________________

Eight Gifts that Do Not Cost A Cent

1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen.
No interrupting, no daydreaming,
no planning your response.
Just listening.

2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs,
kisses, pats on the back, and handholds.
Let these small actions demonstrate the
love you have for family and friends.

3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons.
Share articles and funny stories.
Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple
"Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for
a lifetime, and may even change a life.

5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...
A simple and sincere,
You look great in red," "You did a super job,"
or "That was a wonderful meal"
can make someone's day.

6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way
to do something kind.

7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better
than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and give
the gift of solitude to others.

8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is
to extend a kind word to someone.
Really, it's not that hard to say,
Hello or Thank You.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 9/12/99: Who's Driving & Does God Speak To Us?

Hi everyone,

I went to my friends Ed Chow & Janice Kishi's wedding on Saturday.
Congratulations! One cool and unique thing about their wedding is that
on their wedding program, they wrote a sentence or two about how much
they appreciated the great times and memories they had with each
bridesmaid and groomsmen.

As you know, I will be leaving the San Francisco bay area this coming
Saturday and returning to LA. Once my phone number is set, I will send
out an email to everyone with my address and phone number.

Do any of you want to go to Disneyland? I bought an annual pass, but I
haven't used it since I went the first time. Disneyland has this
special where I can bring in 4 people for $29 each. Do any of you want
to go on Saturday, September 25th? If so, please let me know. I'm also
open to going on a weekday, since I have some time before classes start.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could be invisible
for one hour, where would you go and what would you do?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Reiko Muto, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded through the UCLA IVGCF list. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my
mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light
was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!
You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
____________________________

Does God Still Speak To Us?

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had
shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young
man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?" After
service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they
discussed the message. Several different people talked about how God
had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young
man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray,
"God... If you still speak to people speak to me. I will listen. I
will do my best to obey."

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest
thought, stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out
loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward
home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man
thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and
how little Samuel ran to Eli.

"Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk."

It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use
the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off
toward home. As he passed Seventh street, he again felt the urge, "Turn
down that street."

This is crazy, he thought and drove on past the intersection. Again, he
felt that he should turn down Seventh street. At the next intersection,
he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out
loud, "Okay, God, I will". He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he
felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked
around. He was in semi-commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but
it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed
and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.

Again, he sensed something,

"Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street."

The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the
people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open
the door and then sat back in the car seat.

"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up,
they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like
he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God,
if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If
you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I
guess that will count for something but if they don't answer right away,
I am out of here."

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise
inside. A man's voice yelled out,

"Who is it? What do you want?"

Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was
standing there in his jeans and tee-shirt. He looked like he just got
out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too
happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep.

"What is it?"

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to
you."

The man took the milk and rushed down a hall way speaking loudly in
Spanish. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward
the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was
crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had
some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any
milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to
get some milk."

His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I asked him to send an Angel with
some... Are you an Angel?"

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he
had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward
his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God
still answers prayers.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 9/6/99: Bad Puns & Instructions for Life

Hi everyone,

How was your Labor Day weekend? I had a great time in Lake Tahoe on a
retreat with the young adults at my church. Some of the fun things I
did include sailing, canoeing, jet skiing, parasailing, star gazing (we
saw several shooting stars), watching "Sixth Sense", and just hanging
out. I highly recommend jet skiing and parasailing (which is when you
are on a parachute that is pulled by a boat). One of the cool community
building activities we did was that each of us had to draw/make a square
for a quilt, which will then be sewn together into one large quilt.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have chosen
your own first name, other than your current one, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story also forwarded by Anna. My favorite pun in the list
below is #10. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry,"
replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

9. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

12. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
____________________________

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you
want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you
kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you
are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love with reckless abandon.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/