Humor 3/30/98: Manager Quotes

Hi everyone,

Welcome to those of you who are getting this for the first time,
especially if I met you at Saturday's ballroom dancing event. I watched
"Grease" today, and it's pretty good. Boy can the people in that movie
dance. It ties in well with our ballroom dancing theme.

Last week, I asked the thought provoking question: "Which is more
important....honesty or loyalty?" There were 4 responses for honesty, 1
for loyalty, and 2 for it depends. My response would be for honesty as
well. I like what Henry Lee wrote:

W/o a doubt...honesty.....honesty is being true to yourself....loyalty
is being true to others (and from your question, implies sacrificing
self honesty) .....once you've put loyalty above being honest with
yourself, you've sold out your soul and lost your core......

This week's thought provoking question is: "What is a better motivator
of people, the carrot or the stick? Why?" Please send me your thoughts
and let me know if don't want it published. Also, send me your thought
provoking questions.

This week's humor email comes from Henry Lee as well, followed by a
Chicken Soup story. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________________

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are quotes from actual
managerial staff.

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun
Microsystems)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"Email is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
only be used for company business."

"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good
job in training people."

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
you know when it's time to tell them."
____________________________________________

Class Reunion

It's amazing how a phone call can totally turn one's life upside down.
It had been a former high school classmate asking
for help with our 20-year reunion.

Had it been 20 years already?

I shuddered. Cold chills went up and down my spine as tiny beads of
sweat popped out on my forehead. What had I done with my life in the
past 20 years?

I glanced in the mirror. I examined every tiny crevice, starting with my
hairline, down past those patronizing "smile lines" to the base of my
neck. No double chin yet, I thought.

The next few weeks were pure hell. Each day began with a 6:30 a.m. run
in futile attempt to bounce off the unsightly baggage that had somehow
accumulated on my thighs overnight. I went shopping for the perfect
dress - you know, the one that
would make me look 20 years younger. Three dress shops later, I came to
my senses. There was only one logical explanation: I was having a
mid-life crisis.

I realized that the funny, crunching noise I heard each night as I
climbed the stairs was really my knees. Bran flakes had become a part of
my daily routine - and not because they were my favorite cereal.

Life just hadn't turned out the way I'd planned. Sure, I was happy. I
had a wonderful husband and two great kids. But somehow, working
part-time as a secretary and mom hardly fit my definition of someone my
classmates had voted as "most likely to succeed." Had I really wasted
20 years?

About the time I was ready to throw in the towel, my seven-year-old
tapped me on the shoulder. "I love you, Mom. Give me a
kiss."

You know, I'm actually looking forward to the next 20 years.

By Lynne C. Gaul
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen

Humor 3/23/98: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930's

Hey,

OK, by now, you're probably tired of my normal, "I hope you had a good
weekend" opening sentence. Frankly, I'm tired of that too. So, I want
to try something new. How about, I'll ask a thought provoking question,
and you can feel free to send me an answer if you want to? I'll publish
some of the sample answers in next week's humor email, unless you tell
me not to. So, this week's question is: "Which is more important,
honesty or loyalty? Why?" (I don't know whether I've seen this
question recently, or it just came to me. Also feel free to send me a
thought provoking question for next week.)

This week's humor email comes from Dave Shim, followed by a Chicken Soup
story. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_______________________________________

Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930's:

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as a enemy of the
State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept, break
every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and
leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
___________________________________

It's Never Too Late

Several years ago, while attending a communications course, I
experienced a most unusual process. The instructor asked us to
list anything in our past that we felt ashamed of, guilty about,
regretted, or incomplete about. The next week he invited
participants to read their lists aloud. This seemed like a very private
process, but there's always some brave soul in the crowd
who will volunteer. As people read their lists, mine grew longer. After
three weeks, I had 101 items on my list. The instructor
then suggested that we find ways to make amends, apologize to people, or
take some action to right any wrongdoing. I was
seriously wondering how this could ever improve my communications,
having visions of alienating just about everyone from my life.

The next week, the man next to me raised his hand and volunteered this
story:

"While making my list, I remembered an incident from high school. I grew
up in a small town in Iowa. There was a sheriff in
town that none of us kids liked. One night, my two buddies and I decided
to play a trick on Sheriff Brown. After drinking a few beers, we found a
can of red paint, climbed the tall water tank in the middle of town, and
wrote, on the tank, in bright red
letters: Sheriff Brown is an s.o.b. The next day, the town arose to see
our glorious sign. Within two hours, Sheriff Brown had my two pals and
me in his office. My friends confessed and I lied, denying the truth. No
one ever found out.

"Nearly 20 years later, Sheriff Brown's name appears on my list. I
didn't even know if he was still alive. Last weekend, I
dialed information in my hometown back in Iowa. Sure enough, there was a
Roger Brown still listed. I dialed his number. After
a few rings, I heard: `Hello?' I said: `Sheriff Brown?' Pause. `Yup.'
`Well, this is Jimmy Calkins. And I want you to know that
I did it.' Pause. `I knew it!' he yelled back. We had a good laugh and a
lively discussion. His closing words were: `Jimmy, I
always felt badly for you because your buddies got it off their chest,
and I knew you were carrying it around all these years. I
want to thank you for calling me...for your sake.'"

Jimmy inspired me to clear up all 101 items on my list. It took me
almost two years, but became the springboard and true
inspiration for my career as a conflict mediator. No matter how
difficult the conflict, crisis or situation, I always remember
that it's never too late to clear up the past and begin resolution.

By Marilyn Manning
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen

Humor 3/16/98: The Americans and the Russians

Hey,

I hope you had a good weekend. I watched "Man In the Iron Mask" this
weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. I highly recommend it.

This week's humor comes from Reiko Muto, followed by a Chicken Soup
story. Enjoy!
______________________________________________

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that
if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the
whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate
the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.
_______________________________________

Who You Are Makes a Difference

One night a man came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He
said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my
office and one of the junior executives came in and he told me that he
admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.
Imagine. He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon
that says `Who I am makes a difference' on my jacket above my heart.
Then he gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to
honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I
would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor
you.

"My days are really hectic, and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of
attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not
getting enough good grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess,
but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you
know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are
the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love
you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying.
His whole body shook, and he looked up at his father
and said, through his broken tears, "I was planning on committing
suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't
need to do that."

By Helice Bridges
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen

Humor 3/9/98: Spam Haikus

Hey,

I hope your weekend was fun and eventful. For those of you who liked
the "Fugitive", you may also like "US Marshals". The plot is very
similar to the "Fugitive", but it was still fairly entertaining. I
liked it.

This week's humor email comes to us from Jennifer Chin, who works for
Andersen in New York. You will get the humor much more if you've ever
eaten spam. The humor is followed by a Chicken Soup story. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_____________________________________

1.
Blue can of steel
What promise do you hold?
Salt flesh so ripe

2.
Can of metal, slick
Soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt

3.
Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aah, my poultice

4.
Silent, former pig
One communal awareness
Myriad pink bricks

5.
Clad in metal, proud
No mere salt-curing for you
You are not bacon

6.
And who dares mock Spam?
You? you? you are not worthy
Of one rich pink fleck

7.
Like some spongy rock
Of granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

8.
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

9.
Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

10.
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

11.
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?

12.
Ears, snouts and innards
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice

13.
Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty

14.
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin

15.
Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian
_________________________________

>From the Heart of a Joyous Child

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I write this letter to you in hopes that you will consider
your approach to parenting me before I arrive. I am a joyous

child. I thrive on love and respect, order and consistency.
When
I arrive, I will seem very small to you. Even though I don't
look
like an adult, please understand that I am a human being.

Even though I will not speak words to you, I will know you
with my heart. I will feel all your feelings, absorb your
thoughts. I will come to know you more than you may know
yourself. Do not be misled by my silence. I am open, growing
and
learning more rapidly than you can imagine.

I will make imprints of all that I see, so please give me
beauty to rest my eyes upon. I will record all that I hear,
so
please give me sweet music and language that tells me how
much I
am loved. Give me silence to rest my ears. I will absorb all
that
I feel, so please wrap our life in love.

I am waiting patiently to be with you. I am so happy to have
the opportunity to be alive. Maybe when you see me you will
remember how precious life is too!
Your joyous child

By Donna McDermott
from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry
Spilchuk

Humor 3/1/98: If they wrote error messages in haiku

Hi everyone,

I hope your weekend went well. I sure had a good time this weekend with
a lot of different things. This week's humor email comes to us from
Dave Shim. I think it is really funny. Enjoy! This is followed by the
Chicken Soup story.

-Josh.
________________________________________

If they wrote error messages in haiku...

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

__________________________________

Oh, How I Loved Her

The clergyman was finishing the graveside service. Suddenly, the
78-year-old man whose wife of 50 years had just died began screaming in
a thick accent, "Oh, oh, oh, how I loved her!" His mournful wail
interrupted the dignified quiet of the ceremony. The other family and
friends standing around the grave looked shocked and embarrassed. His
grown children, blushing, tried to shush their father. "It's okay, Dad;
we understand, Shush." The old man stared fixedly at the casket lowering
slowly into the grave. The clergyman went on. Finishing, he invited the
family to shovel some dirt onto the coffin as a mark of the finality of
death. Each, in turn, did so with the exception of the old man. "Oh,
how I loved her!" he moaned loudly. His daughter and two sons again
tried to restrain him, but he continued, "I loved her!"

Now, as the rest of those gathered around began leaving the grave, the
old man stubbornly resisted. He stayed, staring into the grave. The
clergyman approached. "I know how you must feel, but it's time to leave.
We all must leave and go on with life."

"Oh, how I loved her!" the old man moaned, miserably. "You don't
understand," he said to the clergyman, "I almost told her once."

By Hanoch McCarty, Ed.D.
from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry Spilchuk