Humor 2/23/98: Comments Received on Course Evaluations

Hey,

This week's humor email comes from Brian Ibbotson, followed by a story
from the Chicken Soup series. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_______________________________________

The Best and Worst Comments Received on Course Evaluations

"This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"ss is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in one class and awoke in another? That's
the way I felt all term."

"In class I learned I can fudge answers and get away with it." [That's
an excellent lab technique that is learned by all undergrads.]

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon." [I guess that
means he's less than an infinitessimally small non-zero value.]

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all
directions--no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality
paper.'"

"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered
on the final exam."
__________________________________________

The Hand

A Thanksgiving Day editorial in the newspaper told of a school teacher
who asked her class of first-graders to draw a
picture of something they were thankful for. She thought of how little
these children from poor neighborhoods actually had to be thankful for.
But she knew that most of them would draw pictures of turkeys or tables
with food. The teacher was taken aback with the picture Douglas handed
in...a simple childishly drawn hand.

But whose hand? The class was captivated by the abstract image. "I think
it must be the hand of God that brings us food," said one child. "A
farmer," said another, "because he grows the turkeys." Finally when the
others were at work, the teacher bent over Douglas' desk and asked whose
hand it was. "It's your hand, Teacher," he mumbled.

She recalled that frequently at recess she had taken Douglas, a scrubby
forlorn child, by the hand. She often did that with the children. But it
meant so much to Douglas. Perhaps this was everyone's Thanksgiving, not
for the material things given to us but for the chance, in whatever
small way, to give to others.

By Source Unknown
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen

Humor 2/17/98: Instructions For Life

Hey,

I hope you had a good long President's Day / Valentine's Day weekend. I
had a great time in a tiny town in New Hampshire with friends from my
small group. Although the weather was quite cold, it was already very
clear. At night, we could see many stars and constellations. We did a
variety of fun things the whole weekend, but one of my favorites was
walking through the snow covered woods. We only did this very briefly
because it was so cold and we were not properly dressed for it.

Anyway, this week's email comes to us from Cindy Fong. I think most of
them are very valuable. Sorry if you've already received it. The
second part comes from the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_______________________________________

Instructions For Life

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you
are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
____________________________________________

Passing the Test

It was 5:30a.m. in May of 1947. I was eating a bowl of cold cereal and a
slice of toast in the parsonage kitchen in a little
town 20 miles east of Des Moines, Iowa. All night I had been wrestling
with and praying about a dilemma. I still owed $50 on
my tuition at Drake University and today began the finals for my senior
year. Rules of the business office stated that all tuition
and fees must be paid before prospective graduates would be allowed to
take their final exams. Dare I write a "hot" check? Where would I get
the money to cover it?

My wife and I had married in my freshman year and by the end of my
sophomore year our first child was born. Now we had two boys and my wife
had undergone surgery the past summer. As student pastor in this
small-town church we were privileged to live in the parsonage and
receive a small salary. To supplement our income I had worked after
school hours and Saturdays at the Des Moines Register and Tribune. Now I
was so close to the end of the struggle - but yet so far.

Just then the phone rang. It was Ed, the church treasurer. "I hated to
call at this early hour, but last night I got to thinkin'. We've been
takin' up a little collection among the members to give to you at the
time of your graduation, and I got to thinkin' maybe you needed that
now, and knowin' you go into class early I thought I'd better call."

My heart leaped. "Ed," I said, "you've been thinking right and you must
be an answer to my prayer. Do I ever need it now! I
still have a tuition payment that has to be in before I start taking
finals today."

"Well, I'll be right over." Ed was soon at my door. I thanked him for
the envelope he handed me and stepped into my car
to head to the university. As I pulled out onto the street, I opened the
envelope and looked inside at the assortment of bills. When I counted
them, it was exactly $50!

By N. Gayle Fischer
from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry Spilchuk

Humor 2/8/98: World's Smartest Man

Hey,

I hope your weekend went well. I had a fairly packed weekend. I
watched Chow Yun-Fat's new movie, "Replacement Killers". I liked it and
recommend it. However, some other friends who have seen many of his
past movies didn't think that this one measured up to his previous
movies. I thought that the action and story line in this movie were
fairly good.

This week's humor email comes from Elaine Wong. The story at the end
comes from the Chicken Soup for the Soul email service. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_______________________________________________

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen
generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger
cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot
burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began. "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are
four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw
open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With thesewords,
he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't stress it, pop. The
world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
________________________________________________

True Love

Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of the well-known German composer,
was far from being handsome. Along with a rather short stature, he had a
grotesque hunchback.

One day he visited a merchant in Hamburg who had a lovely daughter named
Frumtje. Moses fell hopelessly in love with her. But Frumtje was
repulsed by his misshapen appearance.

When it came time for him to leave, Moses gathered his courage and
climbed the stairs to her room to take one last opportunity to speak
with her. She was a vision of heavenly beauty, but caused him deep
sadness by her refusal to look at him. After several attempts at
conversation, Moses shyly asked, "Do you believe marriages are made in
heaven?"

"Yes," she answered, still looking at the floor. "And do you?"

"Yes I do," he replied. "You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy,
the Lord announces which girl he will marry. When I was
born, my future bride was pointed out to me. Then the Lord added, `But
your wife will be humpbacked."

"Right then and there I called out, `Oh Lord, a humpbacked woman would
be a tragedy. Please, Lord give me the hump and let her be beautiful."

Then Frumtje looked up into his eyes and was stirred by some deep
memory. She reached out and gave Mendelssohn her hand and later became
his devoted wife.

By Barry and Joyce Vissell
from Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1993 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Humor 2/2/98: I'll have sprite, thank you!!!!

Hey,

I hope your weekend went well. I had a great time at Congress '98, this
huge Christian conference here in Boston. Over 10,000 people gathered
here for speaker sessions, workshops, sing, fellowship, etc. I learned
a great deal, and will slowly digest what I've learned, and try to apply
the lessons learned.

This week's humor email comes from Dave Shim. I thought it especially
appropriate because many of my friends are expecting the birth of their
child any day now, or just gave birth recently. I also decided to
include, from now on, my favorite story from the Chicken Soup for the
Soul series. Enjoy!

For those of you in the Boston area, here are some things that are going
on. Richard and I decided to move our group ballroom dancing event from
February 21st to sometime in March. This will be the last event for a
while, and we want to allow more time to elapse from our previous
event. Also, everyone is really busy in February. This Friday, our
young adult group will have a potluck. It should be really fun and
you're all invited. This Saturday, Richard and I are planning to get a
group of people together to watch the new Chow Yun-Fat movie,
"Replacement Killers", with Mira Sorvino. John Woo is the producer. If
you're interested, please let me know whether you prefer to watch a late
afternoon show and then have dinner, or have dinner and then watch the
show. As details firm up, I'll send an email later this week.

Have a great week!

-Josh.
______________________________________

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man,
"Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the
man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are
the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work
for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has
given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence, I work for the Four
Seasons Hotel."

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what's wrong. "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
_______________________________________

Say a Prayer

I was taking my usual morning walk when a garbage truck

pulled up beside me. I thought the driver was going to ask
for
directions. Instead, he showed me a picture of a cute little

five-year-old boy. "This is my grandson, Jeremiah," he said.

"He's on a life-support system at a Phoenix hospital."
Thinking
he would next ask for a contribution to his hospital bills,
I
reached for my wallet. But he wanted something more than
money.
He said, "I'm asking everybody I can to say a prayer for
him.
Would you say one for him, please?" I did. And my problems
didn't
seem like much that day.

By Bob Westenberg
from Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty
Aubery
& Nancy Mitchell, R.N.