Humor 5/30/00: Management Terms & Perfection

Hi everyone,

This past weekend I went up to Westmont College in Santa Barbara for our
annual church conference. Steve Lee came up as well so we had a chance
to hang out. Westmont is a beautiful campus. While we were there,
there were two outdoor weddings held on the grounds.

I watched Mission Impossible 2 and Shanghai Noon. I liked them both,
but they were very different. However, I liked Gladiator the most, so
if you haven't watched it yet, go see it.

A few of you asked about the free Palm IIIe deal at Citi F/I. I just
received the offer in the mail. Go to www.citifi.com, and use offer
code "CP". All you need is to deposit $500 into the account.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had to paint your
entire home, inside and out, a single color other than white, what color
would you pick?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Vivian Chiang, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Jeannette Chin.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Top 25 Project Manager Terms and Expressions
(What they say versus what they mean)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely
hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
__________________________________________

In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning
disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire
school career, while others can be main-streamed into conventional
schools.

At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a
speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where
is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with
perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do.
My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where
is God's perfection?"

The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish
and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered,
"that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection
that he seeks is in the way people react to this child."

He then told the following story about his son Shaya: One afternoon
Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were
playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"

Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most
boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood
that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense
of belonging. Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and
asked if Shaya could play.
The boy looked around at his team-mates and said "We are losing by six
runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our
team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."

Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to
put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of
the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind
by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again
and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning
run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let
Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but
impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,
let alone hit with it. However as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the
pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at
least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of
Shaya's team-mates came up to Shaya and together the held the bat and
faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a
few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya. As the pitch
came in, Shaya and his team-mate swung at the bat and together they hit
a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right
field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling,
"Shaya, run to first. Run to first."

Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the
baseline wide-eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the
right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second
baseman who could have easily tagged Shaya out. But the right fielder
understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high
and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second,
run to second."

Shaya ran towards second base while the runners ahead of him deliriously
circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the
opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third
base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from
both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home." Shaya ran home,
stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and
made him the hero - after all, hadn't he just hit a "grand slam" and won
the game for his team?

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
"those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."

Humor 5/22/00: Pirate Story & Graduation Gift

Hi everyone,

This past weekend was BCEC reunion weekend. Pastor Steve came out to LA
for a conference. Steve Lee, Pastor Steve and I went down to San Diego
to visit John and Teresa Wu. They have two adorable young sons. Then
on Saturday night, we went to Charles & Genevieve's place for dinner.
The other people there were Clarice Law, Lydia Tse, Theresa Huang, Mag
Wong, Boda Chen, Joyce Ho, and Helen Chen, who was in town for a
conference as well. We made pizza and had a great time just chatting
and watching Charles and Genevieve's wedding video. I'll post the
pictures I took with my digital camera on the BCEC site on Yahoo.

John and Teresa are Palm Pilot veterans. Steve was extremely impressed
with the folding keyboard for the Palm Pilot. John beamed me some
useful applications, such as Diddlebug, and Secret. Alf told me that if
you open an online banking account at Citifi.com, you can get a free
low-end model of the Palm Pilot. All you need is to deposit $500 into
the account.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had to name the best
purchase you've ever made, which one would you choose?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by someone on the IVGCF list.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's
man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing
the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became
frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly
retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly
colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the
pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your
red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the
attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to
fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of
such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but
TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at
the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with
steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without
fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
__________________________________________

Is the Packaging Important to You?

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months
he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and
knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he
wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his
father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation,
his father called him into his private study. His father told him how
proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved
him.

He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat
disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely,
leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.
Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your
money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the
Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He
had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was
very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him
since that graduation day.

Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him
his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his
son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled
his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and
saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.

With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father
had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil,
know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your
Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?"

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It
had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car
he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the
words ...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged
as we expected?

Humor 5/15/00: English Lesson & Motherhood

Hi everyone,

Happy Mother's Day! I hope you had a chance to celebrate Mother's Day
with your moms. This morning in church several high school students and
young adults got up and shared about their moms and thanked them
publicly. It was really touching. Many of them read a letter they
wrote to their moms listing many of the things that they appreciated but
often took for granted. Their letters were even better than the
inspirational piece I sent out last week. I was very impressed by the
maturity and writing of these young people.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could invent
something that currently does not exist, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece about moms forwarded by Ethel Lai (plus a good one I
sent out last year).

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the
students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman. Without her, man is nothing."
__________________________________________

MOTHERHOOD - IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE....

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her
husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey,"
she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will
change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral. "I know,"
she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous
vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to
decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn
in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of
child bearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an
emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again
without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash,
every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving
children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your
child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit
and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother
will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her
best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested
in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She
might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an
important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet
smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from
running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room
rather than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That
right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the
prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However
decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself
constantly as a mother.

Looking at my friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed
the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her
once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years--not to accomplish
her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will
change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how
much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or
never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that
she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very
unromantic.

I wish my friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout
history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk
driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about
most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of
nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child
learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a
baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I
want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the
table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and
for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into
this most wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of being a Mother.

Author unknown
_________________________________________

THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.......

We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When
others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from
other kids had too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we
were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and
what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be
gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the "Child
Labor Laws" by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the
beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of
cruel jobs. I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more
things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds,
and life was really tough.

She wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up.
They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone
else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were
16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing
other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million
other things other kids did.

Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once. We knew
better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays.

Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest
adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like our Mom was.

The world just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.

GOD BLESS ALL OF OUR MOM'S LIVING OR DECEASED...
WE LOVE THEM AND THANK THEM FOR BEING SO MEAN TO US.....

Humor 5/8/00: Interview & Images of Mother

Hi everyone,

This past weekend some friends and I watched "U-571". I really liked it
and would highly recommend it. Now we are all waiting for "Mission
Impossible 2" to come out. This was also a weekend of celebrations. I
went to Victor & Christina's engagement party, and Olimpio, Gary and
Joe's graduation reception. Congratulations to all of you! It was a
good time of meeting people and fellowshiping with people.

OK, this is the last week I'm going to mention my leisure survey. The
survey was down most of last week due to a problem on Zoomerang's
website. It's finally back up. I have plenty of data for 25-29 year
olds, so if you know of people younger or older than this age range,
please encourage them to take it. I've already received some good and
very useful feedback, so I'm grateful to all of you who took the survey
before it went down. The survey's address is:

www.zoomerang.com/recipient/survey-intro.zgi?ID=CS9Y4THF68L7&PIN=BN0LVPLVPGGS

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could go back in
time, as yourself, to observe any single event from history, what would
you want to witness?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man. Since Mother's Day is
coming up, this week's and next week's inspirational stories will all be
about moms. Some of these I've sent out in the past years, but they are
so good that I'm going to repeat them.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Sum Ting Wong went for a job interview to be a secretary.

When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colorful attire and gold &
white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Sum Ting Wong. So he told Sum
Ting Wong, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give
you, then maybe I will give you a chance!

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said: "I hear the phone GREEN
GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW ... BLUE's
that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah. Don't PURPLEly
disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok ? Thank You."

The Manager fainted.
__________________________________________

The Images of Mother

4 Yrs of age ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 Yrs of age ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 Yrs of age ~ My Mom doesn't really know quite everything.
14 Yrs of age ~ Naturally, Mom doesn't know that, either.
16 Yrs of age ~ Mom? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 Yrs of age ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 Yrs of age ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 Yrs of age ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 Yrs of age ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 Yrs of age ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
_____________________________________________

When You Thought I wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on
the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I
thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake just
for me, and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I
believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I
felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes, and
I learned that sometimes things hurt, but, it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to
be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked... and wanted to say thanks
for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

--David Walls

Humor 5/1/00: Consulting Top 10 & The Butterfly

Hi everyone,

I hope all of you are doing well. One of the things that I learned this
past summer from Carol Carpenter, the VP of Marketing at WishClick, who
was my supervisor, is the importance of good PR. So, I am extremely
grateful and excited to be mentioned in this past week's issue of
Business Week, along with "Leisureplanner", the startup some classmates
and I are starting. If you want to read the article, it is: "For the
Class of 2000, the Sellers' Market Intensifies". I think this will also
be helpful in our seed fund raising process. We'll be completely done
with the business plan this coming week and we'll really be busy in May
pitching our idea to angel investors and VCs.

Some of you may have tried to take the survey I created on Zoomerang
about leisure activities. Unfortunately, Zoomerang's site is
experiencing some technical difficulties. They promise to have it fixed
in 48 hours. If you tried and it didn't work, please try again in a day
or two. Thanks to all of you who have helped out!

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could change the
ending of any book ever written, which one would you pick and how would
you change it?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Tina Sze, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded by Susan Hasegawa.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

A Few Laughs... Consulting Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic
period."
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win."

Source: The Reporter, 11/8/96, Stanford Graduate School of Business.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that whoever dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a
foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two
matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an
expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real
work experience.

Source: The Reporter, 12/6/96, Stanford Graduate School of Business.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Consultant

10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added."
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.

Source: The Reporter, 1/30/97, Stanford Graduate School of Business.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things Not To Do During a Summer Consulting Internship

10. Admit, even for a moment, that you don't know what you're talking
about.
9. Begin a statement with, "In my Strategy class, we learned..."
8. Abstain from using jargon on principle.
7. Ask your manager about the firm's "family friendly" policies.
6. Force a V.P. to explain, in detail, what makes this firm different
from other firms.
5. Tell your manager that reengineering is not really a word.
4. Shake you head and shout, "this is NOT a high performance work team"
during every meeting.
3. Ask a V.P. to quantify the "value added" received by the client.
2. Complain incessantly about a lack of intrinsic motivation.
1. Perform "Potential Industry Earnings" analyses.

Source: The Reporter, 6/2/97, Stanford Graduate School of Business.
__________________________________________

The Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening
appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it
struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to
stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it
could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the
butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining
bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small,
shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly he expected
that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to
support the body, which would contract in time.

In fact, neither happened. The butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling, with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to
fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the
restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get
through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body
of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight
once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God
allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would
cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We
could never fly!