Humor 5/27/98: The 11 Evolutionary Stages of A Programmer

Hey,

Welcome to my weekly humor email, for those of you I met/saw in CA this
past weekend. There are three parts to these typical emails: a thought
provoking question (appetizer), the humor (main course) and a
inspirational/touching story (dessert).

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you were to pick one
place to live for the rest of your life, where would it be? If you were
to live several places, where would those places be? Why?" (from Jerry
Jones' "201 Great Questions").

This week's humor email comes to us from Jennifer Chin. It's for those
of you with some technical (computer) background. It's long, but I
thought it was amusing. I wonder if these programs really work. What
stage are you in? I've gone through some of these stages, I admit it.
The inspirational story after that comes from the Chicken Soup series.
Enjoy!

-Josh.
P.S. Please make sure that you send all future emails to me at:
joshli@post.harvard.edu. I'm getting rid of my GIS account soon.
P.P.S. Since I'm leaving the U.S. on June 7th for Asia, please take me
off of your humor distribution lists now. I've really enjoyed them, but
I will have limited Internet access overseas. My humor email folder
already has over 500 messages! It'll take me years just to send out the
humor emails I already have.
__________________________________________________

For the tech-ies out there =)

The 11 Evolutionary Stages of a Programmer

Stage 1: High School/Jr. High
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Stage 2: First year in College
=====================
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Stage 3: Senior year in College
======================
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

Stage 4: New professional
================

Section deleted

Stage 5: Seasoned professional
=====================
Section deleted


Stage 9: Seasoned Hacker
===================
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out



Stage 10:Guru Hacker
===================
% cat
Hello, world.
^^D



Stage 11:New Manager
===================
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END



Middle Manager
===================
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^^D



Senior Manager
===================
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.



Chief Executive
===================
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^^X ^^F ^^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

_____________________________________________

A Simple Act of Love

When I was growing up, my father always stopped what he
was
doing and listened while I'd breathlessly fill him in on my
day.
For him, no subject was off-limits. When I was a lanky and
awkward 13, Dad coached me on how to stand and walk like a
lady.
At 17 and madly in love, I sought his advice on pursuing a
new
student at school. "Keep the conversation neutral," he
counseled.
"And ask him about his car."
I followed his suggestions and gave him daily progress
reports: "Terry walked me to my locker!" Guess what? Terry
held
my hand!" Dad! He asked me out!" Terry and I went steady for
over
a year, and soon Dad was joking, "I can tell you how to get
a
man; the hard part is getting rid of him."
By the time I graduated from college, I was ready to
spread
my wings. I got a job teaching special education at a school
in
Coachella, California, a desert town about 170 miles from
home.
It was no dream job. Low-income housing across the street
from
the school was a haven for drug users. Street gangs hung
around
the school after dark. Many of my charges, emotionally
disturbed
10-to 14-year-old boys, had been arrested for shoplifting,
car
theft or arson.
"Be careful," Dad warned me during one of my frequent
weekend visits home. He was concerned about my living alone,
but
I was 23, enthusiastic and naive, and I needed to be on my
own.
Besides, teaching jobs were tight in 1974, and I felt lucky
to
have one.
"Don't worry," I reassured him, as I loaded up the car
to
start my trip back to the desert and my job.
Several evenings later I stayed after school to
rearrange my
classroom. Finished, I turned out the light and closed the
door.
Then I headed toward the gate. It was locked! I looked
around.
Everyone - teachers, custodians, secretaries - had gone home
and,
noy realizing I was still there, stranded me on the school
grounds. I glanced at my watch - it was almost 6p.m. I had
been
so engrossed in my work that I hadn't noticed the time.
After checking all the exits, I found just enough room
to
squeeze under a gate in the rear of the school. I pushed my
purse
through first, lay on my back and slowly edged through.
I retrieved my purse and walked toward my car, parked
in a
field behind the building. Eerie shadows fell across the
schoolyard.
Suddenly, I heard voices. I glanced around and saw at
least
eight high-school-age boys following me. They were half a
block
away. Even in the near darkness I could see they were
wearing
gang insignia.
"Hey!" one called out. "You a teacher?"
"Nah, she's too young - must be an aide!" another said.

As I walked faster, they continued taunting me. "Hey!
She's
kinda cute!"
Quickening my pace, I reached into my shoulder bag to
get my
key ring. If I have the keys in my hands, I thought, I can
unlock
the car and get in before...My heart was pounding.
Frantically, I felt all over the inside of my handbag.
But
the key ring wasn't there!
"Hey! Let's get the lady!" one boy shouted.
Dear Lord, please help me, I prayed silently. Suddenly,
my
fingers wrapped around a loose key in my purse. I didn't
even
know if it was for my car, but I took it out and clutched it

firmly.
I jogged across the grass to my car and tried the key.
It
worked! I opened the door, slid in and locked it - just as
the
teenagers surrounded the car, kicking the sides and banging
on
the roof. Trembling, I started the engine and drove away.
Later, some teachers went back to the school with me.
With
flashlights, we found the key ring on the ground by the
gate,
where it had fallen as I slid through.
When I returned to my apartment, the phone was ringing.
It
was Dad. I didn't tell him about my ordeal; I didn't want to

worry him.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you!" he said. "I had an extra
car key
made and slipped it into your pocketbook - just in case you
ever
need it."
Today, I keep that key in my dresser drawer and
treasure it.
Whenever I hold it in my hand, I am reminded of all the
wonderful
things Dad has done for me over the years. I realize that,
although he is now 68 and I am 40, I still look to him for
wisdom, guidance and reassurance. Most of all, I marvel at
the
fact that his thoughtful gesture of making the extra key may
have
saved my life. And I understand how a simple act of love can
make
extraordinary things happen.

By Sharon Whitley
from A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Hanoch
McCarty & Meladee McCarty

Humor 5/19/98: New Drugs for Men

Hi everyone,

Sorry for not sending out this humor email on Sunday night. I've been
very busy with packing, hanging out with friends, attending a bachelor
party, etc. I'm also putting the "Thoughtful Question" and the touching
story features on hold for this week.

This week's humor email was sent to me by Erik Smith and Dave Shim.
Enjoy!

-Josh.

P.S. I'll be in San Jose/San Francisco/LA from Thursday to next
Tuesday. As a result, I'll be sending this humor email next Tuesday
night, which you'll get on Wednesday morning. Also, please make sure
that my email address in your electronic address books is:
joshli@post.harvard.edu.
____________________________________________

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to

actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge
to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and
"little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to
buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug
for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can
be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return
limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases
back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long
car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into
"special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.

Humor 5/11/98: Travel

Hey,

In response to last week's thought provoking question, all 6 people
answered yes, that they learned more in defeat than in victory. (Maybe
I'm oversimplifying some people's responses). I'd have to agree.

This week's question is #49 from "201 Great Questions" by Jerry Jones.
"Which one of the following traits do you think is the most important to
instill in a child's life?
- obedience, conformity, tolerance of opposing views, patriotism, good
manners, independence (thinking and acting for yourself)
Why? Which of these traits do you think is least important to instill
in children? Why?

This week's humor comes from Dave Shim, followed by a story sent to me
from about 5 of you. Enjoy!

-Josh.

P.S. I'll be in Asia from June 7th to August 25th. So, unless I come
up with an alternative, these weekly emails will be put on hold. Also,
if you're currently sending me humor emails, please remove me from your
distribution lists on June 5th until when I get back. Thanks!
__________________________________________

Travel Humor

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder
why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography).

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to

California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the

stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response? Click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
New Orleans was a suburb of LA. Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando

is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard

Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to
save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast and she bought that.

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there

any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked

into it" (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn
planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I

reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't, I've been to China many

times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
_____________________________

A Story To Live By by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)

My Brother in-Law opened up a dresser drawer and lifted out a
tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is
lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It
was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace.
The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached.
"Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or
9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special
occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip
from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were
taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material
for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to
me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day
you're alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that
followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad
chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on
the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where
my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that
she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things
that she had done without realizing that they were special.

I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life.
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and
admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.

I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time
in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern
of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these
moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for
every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink
unstopped, the first camellia blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory
is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag
of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for
special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks
have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my
vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to
see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would
have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow
we
all take for granted. I think she would have called family members
and a few close friends. She might have called a few former
friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.
I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner,
her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if
I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing
good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday.
Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to
write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my
husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them.
I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything
that would add laughter and luster to our lives.

And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is
special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift from God.

Humor 5/4/98: The Ape Experiment

Hey,

Please remember to send me all future emails to:
joshli@post.harvard.edu and change your email distribution lists and
aliases to use the new email address as well. Thanks!

In response to last week's thought provoking question, whether you would
jump off a helicopter for $50,000, 4 answered yes, and 2 answered no.
My own response is that I would.

This week's thought provoking question is: #59 from "201 Great
Questions" by Jerry Jones. "A football coach once said, "We learn
almost nothing in victory, but we learn much in defeat." Do you agree
with this? In your own life, have you learned more from your failures
or from your successes? Explain." Please send me your thoughts.

This week's humor email comes to us from Elaine Wong. The inspirational
piece after that comes from Moses Lam. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

The Ape Experiment

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a
string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as he touches
the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all
the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If,
later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to
prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of
the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows
that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it
to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat
him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why
they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which
have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no
ape ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
____________________________________________

Things that make sense

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care
back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to
destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have
in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After
that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can
do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important.
It's what they do about it.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you
a heartache for life..

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two
sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want
to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we
feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take
its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when
it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't
know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and
have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down may be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm
kinda happy about it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how
many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely
or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it
would be if she believed it.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may
seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and
love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't
biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going
to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world
doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced
who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose
sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they
don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't
mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of
their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that
friends change.

I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in
your underwear drawer.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It
could change your life forever.

I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most
holes in them.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see
something totally different.