Humor 12/21/97: Christmas Humor

Hi everyone,

I hope everything is going well, and that you're not too stressed with
your Christmas shopping and other things. In case I do not get a chance
to see you over the Christmas holidays or talk to you in person, I wish
you a great Christmas and New Year's. Please remember the real meaning
of Christmas! It is very easy to get caught up in all the commercialism
during the Christmas season. But for me, the purpose of Christmas is to
celebrate the birth of baby Jesus, who came on earth to die for our
sins. If you get a chance to sing some of the Christmas carols, I would
encourage you to think about the meaning of the lyrics.

Now for a commercial announcement. If you or any of your friends are
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mine, Grande Lum, works for a conflict resolution consulting company in
San Francisco. Apparently, his company is looking to hire some
analysts.

"My company is hiring analysts right now and I thought you might know
some highly qualified, high initiative folks who might be interested.
Basically we're looking for people with very strong academic
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development and marketing skills would be a plus. They'll be
researching, proposal and report writing, editing, project management,
and interviewing. Give me a call at your convenience. I'm at
415-776-4759."

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. In keeping with the
Christmas theme, here some some Christmas-related humor. The first one
comes to us from Vivian Chiang and second from Dave Shim. Enjoy and
Merry Christmas!

-Josh.
___________________________________________

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since
Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist
religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
house hold, that comes to
108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and
the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems
logical). This works
out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the
sleigh and get o to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108
million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but
will accept for the
purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household; a total trip
of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means
Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison,
the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting
that the "flying"
reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done
with eight or even nine
of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
not counting the weight
of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of
the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst
into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their
wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not
that it matters, however,
since Santa, as a result of accellerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.

in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.
A 250
pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a
quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now
_____________________________________________

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
House")
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but

not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The
minor
residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were
located
in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations,
i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but

not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort

and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House
with the parties of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said

Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time,
the
parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and
cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon

the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or

circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to
a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
>
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified

the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the
Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that
an
additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and

noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at
the
House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was

clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue
from
the chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and
other
unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a
small
pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health
regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax

Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."

Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from

said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or

exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to
that effect.

Respectfully Submitted,

s./ The Grinch

Humor 12/14/97: Cute Little Kitten

Hi everyone,

I hope you're keeing sane during the Christmas season. Everybody seems
to be really busy. I hope that you're able to find a measure of peace.

The following request comes from my friend Alice Chan,

Please inform folks about free books for kids by simply visiting the URL
below and typing a X-mas greeting on the right page...They only have a
few thousand messages so far and for every 25 messages, Houghton Mifflin
donates 1 book to a children's hospital. So please try to jack up those
numbers for the kids.

http://www.polarexpress.com

This week's humor email comes from Dave Shim. I think it is hilarious.
Enjoy!

-Josh.
________________________________________________

Subject: Cute Little Kitten...

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter
how legitimate my illness, I always sense my
boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but
lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained an
injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on my head.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the placemen
feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly
because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking
my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened,"The
garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" . . . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a
second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will
calm the fears of a person who suffers from
"Big-ol-scary-machine phobia," a condition brought on by watching
too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to
argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are
over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact,
possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to
live with that the rest of my life. So out I came,
dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how
her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal,drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully
at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner
and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational
thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their
nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained
monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in
a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight "syndrome; men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats
seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink
and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their
hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be
flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

Humor 12/7/97: Priestly Duties

Hi everyone,

I hope your weekend went well. This week's humor email comes to us from
Elaine Wong. Enjoy!

-Josh.
__________________________________________________

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed, and it
appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only
motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor
problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the couch, and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one
takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up, and get you a blanket from the closet.

Another ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up, and get you another blanket.
Yet another ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right........... Get up and get your own darn
blanket!!!

Humor 11/30/97: Give Until It Hurts

Hi everyone,

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving holiday. I certainly ate my share
of good food.

This week's humor email comes to us from Dave Shim. Another funny
lawyer joke.

Have a great week!

-Josh.
____________________________________________

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

The lawyer continued, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was
interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with
three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't give any
money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"