Humor 7/26/99: Disorder in the Court & In Praise of Teachers

Hi everyone,

This past week for me was fairly fun, but tiring. I went line dancing
with some friends in Mountain View, went to San Francisco to have sushi
and listen to the SF Symphony. The SF symphony hall is very unique.
The musician are in a wooden-panel enclosed "pit area". There are seats
on all four sides, but on one of the sides, the seats go all the way
up. The whole SF civic area has been remodeled, and it looks majestic.

Unfortunately, because my office building is too cold, and because I
didn't remember to wear enough clothing in San Francisco (The coldest
winter I spent was a summer in San Francisco. - Samuel Clemens), I got
sick on Friday and Saturday. I think that I'm pretty much over it now.

One of the advantages of being up in the Bay area for the summer is
being able to visit a lot of different churches and see what they are
like. Yesterday I met up with Serena Chen (formerly Lau) and her
husband Chris. Serena and her sister Antonia and I went to Taiwan in
1985 to attend a summer program. I last saw them ten years ago.
Anyway, I went to visit Serena & Chris' church, Jubilee in San Jose. I
thoroughly enjoyed the service. It's a huge service, maybe about 2000
people or more. Worship was awesome. We sang for about an hour.
Everyone was standing and clapping and swaying the whole time. There
were people dancing in the aisles. Ron Kenoly was the music director at
the church and was there on Sunday. MC Hammer is now a pastor at the
church. Phil Keaggy is coming to concert at this church on Friday.
Their music team had three drummers, violin, piano, several bass and
guitars, some horns, and many singers. The worship leader was also
excellent.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had to spend a
fun-filled Saturday, but can only spend $20, how would you do it?" (I
got the idea for this question from a Chinese movie.)

This week's humor was forwarded by Dominic Wong, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Ethel Lai. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

>From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people
actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
____________________________

In Praise of Teachers

In 1972, I returned to Miami Beach High School to speak to the drama
class. Afterward I asked the drama teacher if any of my English teachers
are still there. Irene Roberts, he tells me, is in the class just down
the hall.

I was no one special in Miss Roberts' class - just another jock who did
okay work. I don't recall any one special bit of wisdom she passed on.
Yet I cannot forget her respect for language, for ideas and for her
students. I realize now, many years later, that she is the
quintessential selfless teacher. I'd like to say something to her, I
say, but I don't want to pull her from a class. Nonsense, he says,
she'll be delighted to see you.

The drama teacher brings Miss Roberts into the hallway where stands this
32-year-old man she last saw at 18. "I'm Mark Medoff," I tell her. "You
were my 12th-grade English teacher in 1958." She cocks her head at me,
as if this angle might conjure me in her memory. And then, though armed
with a message I want to deliver in some perfect torrent of words, I
can't think up anything more memorable than this:
"I want you to know," I say, "you were important to me."

And there in the hallway, this slight and lovely woman, now nearing
retirement age, this teacher who doesn't remember me, begins to weep;
and she encircles me in her arms.

Remembering this moment, I begin to sense that everything I will ever
know, everything I will ever pass to my students, to my children, is an
inseparable part of an ongoing legacy of our shared wonder and eternal
hope that we can, must, make ourselves better.

Irene Roberts holds me briefly in her arms and through her tears
whispers against my cheek, "Thank you." And then, with the briefest of
looks into my forgotten face, she disappears back into her classroom,
returns to what she has done thousands of days through all the years of
my absence.

On reflection, maybe those were, after all, just the right words to say
to Irene Roberts. Maybe they are the very words I would like to speak to
all those teachers I carry through my life as part of me, the very words
I would like spoken to me one day by some returning student: "I want you
to know you were important to me."

By Mark Medoff
from A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Hanoch McCarty &
Meladee McCarty
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 7/19/99: Gifts & The Piano

Hi everyone,

Hope your summer is going well. I was in San Francisco all day on
Saturday, hanging out with classmates and friends from Boston. I
watched "An Ideal Husband", and thought it was pretty good. However,
this summer's movies just don't seem as good as past summers.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you had to be
represented by an object in your home, what would you choose?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Jennifer Chin, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Susan Hasegawa. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is?
Flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "But how did you know?" "Oh,
just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is? A
box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher
held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of
the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she
asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more
excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I
give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a Puppy!"

____________________________

THE PIANO

Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother
took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the
mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to
greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the
concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way
through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE." When the house lights dimmed and
the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and
discovered that the child was missing.

Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive
Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at
the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." At
that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to
the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing."
Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began
filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other
side of the child and he added a
running obligatio. Together, the old master and the young novice
transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative
experience. The audience was mesmerized.

That's the way it is with our Heavenly Father. What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't
exactly gracefully flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our
life's work truly can be beautiful. Next time you set out to accomplish
great feats, listen carefully. You can hear the voice of the Master,
whispering in your ear, "Don't quit... Keep playing." Feel His loving
arms around you. Know that His strong hands are there helping you turn
your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.

Remember, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. He'll
always be there to love and guide you on to great things.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 7/11/99: Too Much of 90's & Appearances are Deceiving

Hi everyone,

Many of you have asked me what I'm doing this summer. I'm working at a
small Internet start-up called WishClick. They are building an on-line
all occasion gift registry. The website for consumers will be up at the
end of the summer, but the website for merchant partners is up now.
Feel free to take a look at: www.wishclick.com. I'm doing marketing
and some business development there.

I'm sure all of you understand and may have used a wedding registry.
Basically, WishClick is doing an Internet based registry for all
occasions, such as birthdays, Christmas, graduations, Mother's Day,
etc. Let's say a person named Joe registered the gifts he would like to
receive for his birthday. Then his family and friends can find his wish
list and buy him the exact items that he wants. Let me know what you
think of the idea. For example, would you want people to give you gifts
that you have pre-selected, or would you rather be surprised as to what
you get?

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you were stranded on a
desert island and could have only one piece of music to listen to, what
would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Dominic Wong, all the way from
Australia. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90's

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted".
3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9.) Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play.
10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her
JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone IS home.
____________________________

Things are not usually as they appear..........

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy
family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's
guest room. Instead they were given a space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in
the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older
angel replied .

"Things aren't always what they seem".

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but
very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they
had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a
good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels
found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had
been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "How could
you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped
him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to
share everything, and you let their cow die."

"The older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem." " When
we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold in
that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and
unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't
find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of
death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the
way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every
outcome is always to your advantage.

You might not know it until some time later.

Feeling Sorry for yourself ?? Think about this:........
Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember the
homeless who have no bed to lie in.

Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; Know that there are people in
this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of
work for the last three months.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who
has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in
dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00
to feed her family.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
what is my purpose?; Be thankful, there are those who don't live long
enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.

You could be them!!!
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 7/5/99: Salary Theorem & What I have learned

Hi everyone,

I hope you had a great July 4th weekend. I went down to LA for Ben &
Eileen's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding that went very smoothly.
It was good to see so many of my friends from Boston. Steve Lee took
pictures with his digital camera. I'm sure Ben will post some of these
pictures eventually on the Internet when he gets back from the
honeymoon.

If you are not a member of PlanetAll, I encourage you to join (joining
is free). By joining, whenever you change address, phone number or
email address, all of your contacts are automatically notified. Also,
your contacts will get a reminder email when your birthday is coming
up. Just go to this website: www.planetall.com. Please add me as one
of your contacts, so when I move, you will be automatically notified.
You can also join existing groups, such as your alma mater, your church,
your grad school, your company, or any other organization. If an
organization that you're a part of doesn't have a group in PlanetAll,
you can create it. You can search for friends who are also on
PlanetAll.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could be instantly
fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak,
which would it be?"

The humor was forwarded by Elaine Wong, followed by an inspirational
story forwarded by Anna Man. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Salary Theorem

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can
never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on
the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
____________________________

(Spoken by a mentor to a young friend.)

What I have learned
I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what
a tragedy it would be if they believed it

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that no matter how badly your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw the line
between being nice and not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

Send this to all the people in whom you have faith.
"Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you care for them."
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
420 James Road #1
Palo Alto CA 94306
(650)565-8674
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/