Humor 10/25/99: Product Instructions & Mother Theresa

Hi everyone,

I had a great time in New York for my friends' wedding. What's unique
(and cool) about the wedding is that at the wedding ceremony the bride
and groom sang a musical offering together. Usually, either one sings
or another friend sings. Here, they sang together. Another unique
thing is that at the banquet, the bride and groom cut the cake almost as
soon as they got to the restaurant.

I enjoyed walking around Manhattan, walking through Central Park, going
to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and meeting up with some college
friends. The Met had three special exhibits that I went to:
Masterpieces of Chinese Painting, Photographs by Carleton Watkins, and
Portraits by Ingres. I absolutely love Chinese art and really enjoyed
seeing some of the all-time masterpieces.

Carleton Watkins went to the San Francisco bay area during the 1849 gold
rush. He took some spectacular pictures of Yosemite and other places.
He took this one picture of Russian Hill in San Francisco where it was
actually a hill and almost nothing else. The Met also had many Silicon
Graphics workstations with these special 3D goggles that allowed you to
view over 100 of his photographs in 3D! So for example, a picture of
Yosemite valley has real depth. I highly recommend a visit to the Met
if you're in the New York area.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could invent
something that currently does not exist, what would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Steve Lee, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Stephen Schwartz. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS:
- Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
- Fits one head.

ON TIRIMISU DESERT
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
- Do not iron clothes on body

ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning: keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
- Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
- Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
____________________________

It is reported that Mother Theresa had this on her wall....

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true
enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 10/17/99: Bulletin Bloopers & Who Packed Your Parachute?

Hi everyone,

I hope you're doing well. I had a packed but fun week and weekend. I'm

slowly catching up on all my schoolwork and other club activities.

This coming Wednesday I'll be returning to New York City for a friend's
wedding. On Friday, I'm thinking of going to the Metropolitan Museum of

Art's special exhibit on Chinese art. If you like art, and have some
time during the day on Friday to go to the MET, please let me know. If
you need to reach me in New York, my parents' number is: 718-454-7608.
I should still have access to email. If I don't get a chance to talk to

you in New York, I'll be back in New York for several weeks during
Christmas and we can catch up then.

I thought of this week's thought provoking question several weeks ago
while waiting on line at Disneyland. A long time ago, there was a movie

called (I think), "The man with the golden watch and everything."
Whoever holds this special golden watch could stop time. Everyone else
would be frozen in time, but the person who holds the watch can do
whatever he or she wants. So, this week's thought provoking question
is: "If you have this special golden watch and could stop time at whim,

how would you use this device?"

This week's humor was forwarded by someone on the UCLA IVGCF list,
followed by an inspirational story forwarded by Steve Lee. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

Some NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals".

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious

pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands".

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a
fun time.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't

care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of

Pastor Jack's sermons.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
____________________________

Who Packed your Parachute?

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is
really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you,
congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them,
give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.

Charles Plumb, a US Naval Academy graduate, was a jet pilot in Vietnam.
After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air
missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy lands. He was captured
and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the
ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at
another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in
Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your
parachute," the man replied.

Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and
said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your
chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I

kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: A white

hat, a bib in the back, and bell bottom trousers. I wonder how many
times I might have seen him and not even said good morning, how are you
or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot, and he was just a
sailor."

Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden
table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and
folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate

of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"

Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the
day. Plumb also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when

his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical
parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his
spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching
safety. His experience reminds us all to prepare ourselves to weather
whatever storms lie ahead. As you go through this week, this month, this

year... recognize people who pack your parachute!--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

Humor 10/12/99: Secret to Marriage & New Computer Program

Hi everyone,

I want to thank all of you who wrote me to offer your condolences. My
trip to Taiwan went very smoothly. My flight got into Taipei on Friday
morning at 6 am, and I made it to the funeral place before the start
time of 8 am. My parents, brother and I were able to spend a good deal
of time with my relatives. My uncle and his wife even came to church
with us.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have only one
piece of furniture in your house, what would you want it to be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational story forwarded by Susan Hasegawa. Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited
the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by
pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My
wife quietly said "That's once."

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from
her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at
me and quietly said "That's once."
____________________________

CUDDLY--customer support

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install
now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your
HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However,
you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those
programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those
off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.
Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM
have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".
What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been
run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things,
but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine
before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT,
REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any
conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you
need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your
recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never
comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all
over My HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle
it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and
they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/

No Humor This Week

Hi everyone,

My grandmother passed away this past week, so there will not be any
humor for this week. I will be flying back to Taiwan this Wednesday to
attend her funeral and coming back on Sunday. She was in her early
eighties and her health was pretty poor. So her death was not too
unexpected.

I was fortunate to have stayed with her in Taiwan for a week last
summer. Also, praise God that she accepted Christ some years ago. I
know that I'll be reunited with her someday in heaven.

Due to my grandmother's death, this week's thought provoking question
is: "If you died tonight, what would happen to you?"

If you are not sure that you would go to heaven, and/or you would like
me to share with you my thoughts on this question, just let me know. I
would be happy to give you a call and tell you about how to be sure that
you will go to heaven.

We are all fairly young and rarely think about death. However, lately,
there has been more and more deaths due to earthquakes, fires, rain
storms, blizzards, shootings, viral infections, etc. Even though we
think that we will live for a long time, the fact is that,
unfortunately, we could also be in a tragic car accident at any time.
So, if you haven't given this whole topic much thought, I would strongly
encourage you to do so.

Please pray for my family, especially my mom. Also, pray that my
parents and I will have an opportunity to share the Gospel with my
aunts, uncles and cousins, who are all non-believers. Thanks.

-Josh.

P.S. Attached is a story forwarded by Catherine Wu almost three years
ago. It impacted me greatly back then, and I want to share it with you
now.
_________________________________________

THE LETTER

One day a woman named Louise fell asleep in her bed, and dreamed a
very fitful dream. She dreamed that someone in Hell wrote a letter to
her, and it was to be delivered to her by a messenger. The messenger
passed between the lakes of burning fire and brimstone that occupies
Hell, and found his way to the door that would lead him to the outside
world. Louise dreamed that the messenger walked to her house, came
inside, and gently but firmly woke Louise up. He gave her the message,
saying only that a friend had wrote it to her from Hell. Louise, in her
dream, with trembling hands took the letter and read:


My Friend,
I stand in Judgment now,
and feel that you're to blame somehow.
On earth, I walked with you day by day,
and never did you point the way.
You knew the Lord in truth and glory,
but never did you tell the story.
My knowledge then was very dim;
you could have led me safe to Him.
Though we lived together on the earth,
you never told me of the second birth,
and now I stand this day condemned,
because you failed to mention Him.
You taught me many things, that's true,
I called you "friend" and trusted you,
But I learn now that it's too late,
you could have kept me from this fate.
we walked by day and talked by night,
and yet you showed me not the Light.
You let me live, and love, and die,
you knew I'd never live on high.
Yes, I called you a "friend" in life,
and trusted you through joy and strife.
And yet on coming to the end,
I cannot, now, call you "My Friend."

Marsha

After reading the letter, Louise awoke. The dream was still so
real in her mind, and sweat dropped from her body in pools. She swore
she could still smell the acrid smell of brimstone and smoke from her
room. As she contemplated the meaning of her dream, she realized that
as a Christian, she has failed in her duty to "go out to all the world
and preach the gospel."
As she thought of that, she promised herself that the next day,
she would call Marsha and invite her to church with her. The next
morning she called Marsha and this was the conversation:

Yes, Bill, Is Marsha there?
Louise, you don't know?
No, Bill, no what?

Marsha WAS KILLED LAST NIGHT IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I thought you had
known.

Fellow Christian, is this your testimony? Are you witnessing to
your friends that you are with everyday? Is there a friend in hell,
asking you why you did not tell them about the Lord?

As Christians we must be Christ-Like. Christ commanded us to go
out and preach his word, so that others would come to the saving
knowledge of God. It says in the Bible in Romans 1:16 that we are not
to be ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. Also in 2 Timothy 1:8 says the
same thing. We must tell our friends about the Lord before it is too
late. I need to also, because I have many friends who if they were to
die right now, would spend eternity in a place prepared for the devil
and his angels. Let's be witnesses to the world, Christians.
--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
14400 Addison Ave. #119
Sherman Oaks CA 91423
(818)461-8930
Instant Messenger ID: joshli
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/