Humor 4/24/00: Motivational Quotes & Happiness

Hi everyone,

Happy Easter! I hope you had an opportunity to celebrate Christ's
resurrection. Did you watch the special Easter program on ABC, the
story of Jesus in clamation? I thought it was pretty cool and very
interesting.

I want to thank all of you that took the leisure survey at I created.
Your answers will be tremendously helpful to me in writing my business
plan. If you haven't taken the survey yet, you can still do so at:

www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?CS9Y4THF68L7HMHJ8SGYL9DA

The survey should take 15 to 20 minutes. I actually have a large # of
responses from 25 - 29 yr olds. Please take the survey if you are
outside this age range. Thanks for your help!

I just got a Handspring Visor. I've resisted the urge the get a Palm
Pilot or Visor for the longest time since I created my custom-made
Access contact database and didn't want to give it up. However, when I
hung out with Steve Lee a few weeks ago, he showed me his Visor and he
convinced me to get one. So, if you have any suggestions of cool
programs to download for it, please let me know.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could dine alone
with anyone from any period in history, which person would it be?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece also forwarded by Anna.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES FROM THE OFFICE
--------------------------------------
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find
out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss...
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss said to me,
"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution:
" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any
effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Human Resource Manager to job candidate
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for
upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level
positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start
interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter
finishes her summer classes.
__________________________________________

Maybe God wants us to meet a
few wrong people before meeting
the right one so that when we finally
meet the right person, we will know
how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes,
another opens, but often times we look
so long at the closed door that we don't
see the one which has been opened for us.

It's true that we don't know what we've
got until we lose it, but it's also true
that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an
assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return; just wait
for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone,
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because it
takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life and one
chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow
to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that
comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched,
and those who have tried, for only they can
appreciate the importance of people who have
touched their lives.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past,
you can't go on well in life until you let go
of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and
everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one who is smiling and
everyone around you is crying.


Please send this message to those people who mean
something to you, to those who have touched your
life in one way or another, to those who make
you smile when you really need it, to those
that make you see the brighter side of things when
you are really down, to those who you want to let them
know that you appreciate their friendship.
And if you don't, don't worry,
nothing bad will happen to you,
you will just miss out on the
opportunity to brighten someone's
day with this message.

Humor 4/17/00: From California & Believe in Easter?

Hi everyone,

I hope you had a great weekend. I spent a lot of time with the
prospective students to The Anderson School, helping to convince them to
attend.

This coming Sunday is Easter. Easter and Christmas are the two of the
most important events for Christians. If you don't know who Jesus
Christ is, or do not yet have a personal relationship with Him, I
strongly encourage you to visit a church this coming Sunday. Many
churches I know have a special service this coming Sunday geared to
people who want to learn more about Jesus, why he came to Earth as a
human and died for our sins on the cross. If you ever wanted to visit a
church service, this coming Sunday is the best week to visit. Let me
know if you're interested in visiting a church in your city, and I'll
try to connect you to a good church to visit.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could have one
person from history live his or her full life over again, starting now,
who would you pick?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Catherine Cobb, followed by an
inspirational piece on Easter forwarded by Brent Chinn.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA IF....

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none is visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation
in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
7. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

8. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
9. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
10. Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George
Clooney.
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. (sometimes
more)
14. The gym is packed at 3 p.m. ....on a work day.
15. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about
"STORM WATCH 99".
16. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
17. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
18. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a
horrific nine-car freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck
at a lost shoe lying on the shoulder.
19. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the
country, as if we really care.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early
to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. You AND your dog have therapists.
__________________________________________

Do You Believe In Easter?

Edith Burns was a wonderful Christian who lived in San Antonio, Texas.
She was the patient of doctor by the name of Will Phillips. Dr. Phillips
was a gentle doctor who saw patients as people. His favorite patient was
Edith Burns. One morning he went to his office with a heavy heart and it
was because of Edith Burns.

When he walked into that waiting room, there sat Edith with her big
black Bible in her lap earnestly talking to a young mother sitting
beside her. Edith Burns had a habit of introducing herself in this way:
"Hello, my name is Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?" Then she
would explain the meaning of Easter, and many times people would be
saved.

Dr. Phillips walked into that office and there he saw the head nurse,
Beverly. Beverly had first met Edith when she was taking her blood
pressure. Edith began by saying, "My name is Edith Burns. Do you
believe in Easter?"

Beverly said, "Why yes I do." Edith said, "Well, what do you believe
about Easter?" Beverly said, "Well, it's all about egg hunts, going to
church, and dressing up." Edith kept pressing her about the real meaning
of Easter, and finally led her to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Phillips said, "Beverly, don't call Edith into the office quite yet.
I believe there is another delivery taking place in the waiting room.
After being called back in the doctor's office, Edith sat down and when
she took a look at the doctor she said, "Dr. Will, why are you so sad?
Are you reading your Bible? Are you praying?"

Dr. Phillips said gently, "Edith, I'm the doctor and you're the
patient." With a heavy heart he said, "Your lab report came back and it
says you have cancer, and Edith, you're not going to live very long."

Edith said, "Why Will Phillips, shame on you. Why are you so sad? Do you
think God makes mistakes? You have just told me I'm going to see my
precious Lord Jesus, my husband, and my friends. You have just told me
that I am going to celebrate Easter forever, and here you are having
difficulty giving me my ticket!"

Dr. Phillips thought to himself, "What a magnificent woman this Edith
Burns is!"

Edith continued coming to Dr. Phillips. Christmas came and the office
was closed through January 3rd. On the day the office opened, Edith did
not show up. Later that afternoon, Edith called Dr. Phillips and said
she would have to be moving her story to the hospital and said, "Will,
I'm very near home, so would you make sure that they put women in here
next to me in my room who need to know about Easter."

Well, they did just that and women began to come in and share that room
with Edith. Many women were saved. Everybody on that floor from staff to
patients were so excited about Edith, that they started calling her
Edith Easter; that is everyone except Phyllis Cross, the head nurse.
Phyllis made it plain that she wanted nothing to do with Edith because
she was a "religious nut". She had been a nurse in an army hospital. She
had seen it all and heard it all. She was the original G.I. Jane. She
had been married three times, she was hard, cold, and did everything by
the book.

One morning the two nurses who were to attend to Edith were sick. Edith
had the flu and Phyllis Cross had to go in and give her a shot. When she
walked in, Edith had a big smile on her face and said, "Phyllis, God
loves you and I love you, and I have been praying for you." Phyllis
Cross said, "Well, you can quit praying for me, it won't work. I'm not
interested." Edith said, "Well, I will pray and I have asked God not to
let me go home until you come into the family." Phyllis Cross said,
"Then you will never die because that will never happen," and curtly
walked out of the room.

Every day Phyllis Cross would walk into the room and Edith would say,
"God loves you Phyllis and I love you, and I'm praying for you." One day
Phyllis Cross said she was literally drawn to Edith's room like a magnet
would draw iron. She sat down on the bed and Edith said, "I'm so glad
you have come, because God told me that today is your special day."

Phyllis Cross said, "Edith, you have asked everybody here the question,
"Do you believe in Easter?' but you have never asked me."

Edith said, "Phyllis, I wanted to many times, but God told me to wait
until you asked, and now that you have asked..." Edith Burns took her
Bible and shared with Phyllis Cross the Easter Story of the death,
burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Edith said, "Phyllis, do you believe in Easter? Do you believe that
Jesus Christ is alive and that He wants to live in your heart?"

Phyllis Cross said, " Oh, I want to believe that with all of my heart,
and I do want Jesus in my life." Right there, Phyllis Cross prayed and
invited Jesus Christ into her heart. For the first time Phyllis Cross
did not walk out of a hospital room, she was carried out on the wings of
angels.

Two days later, Phyllis Cross came in and Edith said, "Do you know what
day it is?" Phyllis Cross said, "Why Edith, it's Good Friday."

Edith said, "Oh, no, for you every day is Easter. Happy Easter Phyllis!"

Two days later, on Easter Sunday, Phyllis Cross came into work, did some
of her duties and then went down to the flower shop and got some Easter
lilies because she wanted to go up to see Edith and give her some Easter
lilies and wish her a Happy Easter. When she walked into Edith's room,
Edith was in bed. That big black Bible was on her lap. Her hands were in
that Bible. There was a sweet smile on her face.

When Phyllis Cross went to pick up Edith's hand, she realized Edith was
dead. Her left hand was on John 14: "In my Father's house are many
mansions. I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive
you to myself, that where I am, there you may be also."

Her right hand was on Revelation 21:4, " And God will wipe away every
tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor
crying; and there shall be no more pain, for the former things have
passed away."

Phyllis Cross took one look at that dead body, and then lifted her face
toward heaven, and with tears streaming down her cheeks, said, "Happy
Easter, Edith - Happy Easter!"

Phyllis Cross left Edith's body, walked out of the room, and over to a
table where two student nurses were sitting. She said, "My name is
Phyllis Cross. Do you believe in Easter?"

Humor 4/10/00: Online Too Long & Hut Burning

Hi everyone,

This past week I drove quite a bit. I went down to San Diego for a
conference. Afterwards, I drove/walked around La Jolla. I went to the
Museum of Contemporary Art and the Sunny Jim Cave. The cave, which
opens out to the sea, was dug by two Chinese laborers a long time ago.
I took some good pictures with my digital camera, and I'll post them
sometime in the future.

This weekend, I hung out with Steve Lee and his small group in Orange
County (watched Fantasia 2000) and we also went to Palm Springs. It was
hot at sea level, but we took the tram up to the mountain (8400 feet)
and hiked up to 9200 feet. We trekked through miles of snow and I
climbed some rocks. The scenery will awesome. I'll post my pictures by
next week.

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could adopt one
personality trait from someone you know, what would you take, and from
whom?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded someone from the IVGCF distribution list.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

You know you've been on-line too long when...
* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she
looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at:
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's
got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Internet
Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
__________________________________________

IS YOUR HUT BURNING?

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he
scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood
to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his
little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had
happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.

"God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that
was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.

"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we
shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the
midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is
burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the
grace of God.

For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a
positive answer for it:

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalms 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (1 Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Humor 4/3/00: Boys Wants Car & I've Learned

Hi everyone,

I had a good spring break, but school starts up again tomorrow. During
this past week and a half, I've seen quite a few movies on video and
DVD. Two that I especially recommend are "12 Angry Men" (a good
courtroom drama with good plot and dialogue), and "Iron Giant" (a fun
movie).

This week's thought provoking question is: "If you could host a dinner
party inviting any four people from history, who would you invite and
where would the party take place?"

This week's humor was forwarded by Anna Man, followed by an
inspirational piece forwarded Elaine Wong.

Enjoy!

-Josh.
_________________________________________

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we
will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could
discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair
cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
__________________________________________

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades
and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to
be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you
and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each
other
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.